In The Wee Small Hours

The great thing about Sydney and new years is that everyone is friendly. The city is full of revellers both resident and transient and they all seem ready to cut loose and celebrate. We all pay tribute to a year completed and departed, and welcome in the new one full of hopes and possibilities. It’s a time of fun and frivolity but also quite a bit of stupidity. I of course was no exception to this. But then again neither were so many other people. As always, NYE was full of picking up, setting down, getting on, slagging off, turning in and putting out in more ways than you could possibly imagine.

When everyone out seemed to be either on the pull or already pulled, it was also a night where it seemed many were employing tactics which might literally save their arse. And from my observations, I can now share the following with you:

The Fake Name: Unless you are well versed in spy school practices, this is more difficult than it sounds. You may only introduce yourself to a new person once but all it takes is a forgetful (or drunk) friend to call you by your real name and blow the whole thing. If you are out with a group of friends however, you are probably best not picking that name you always wanted your parents to give you but rather one that is much closer to your real name. Or you could just try and explain you’re trying to become known by your middle name and your friends are just morons.

The Bodyguard: When dancing in clubs, if you frequently find yourself confronted (or quite possibly rear ended) by slobbering unfortunates who stopped learning words before they got to ‘no’, find a bodyguard. There will usually be at least a couple of people who appear not to be chasing anything that moves or trying to get friendly with various table legs. Ask them politely if they would consent to dance with you to discourage others. Or go and pick someone up yourself.

The Injury: This one is also not as easy as it sounds. Try to remember that if you start limping on your left, keep limping on your left. And if you choose to sit out a dance or prop up the bar, it is best to do it with something (like a table) in front of you. Either that or make sure you’re not at head height for anyone five foot high or taller. If you are merely perched on a bar stool in open space, it is all too easy for anyone to grab you or quite simply just kiss you. And don’t scoff, that happened to my friend.

The Excuse: This one should be quite simple but so many people manage to mess it up. It’s really not that hard to think of something plausible. Usually, the fewer details you give, the better and it’s also a good idea to make it something that you can’t get caught out with later. Don’t for example say you’ve got a boyfriend if you really want to pick up the bloke across the room, you are far better off saying you’ve just seen an ex so you really don’t want to do anything and you really don’t want to talk about it.

And if none of that helps, well I wish you good luck with whatever you do. Perhaps for the rest of you though, these words of wisdom may have arrived a little too late for 2004 but there’s always the new year. Hope you have a happy one!