A Smart Cookie

Apparently, the great thing about me is that I figure things out for myself. Sure, I do the dumb things that other women do in regards to relationships. I obsess over small details that, in the grand scheme of things are really not so earth shattering and I tend to ignore things here and there that I don’t particularly want to think about. As opposed to those other friends one has that make the same mistakes over and over again however and never seem to understand why things don’t work out, I figure it out by myself. A friend who lives halfway across the world to me pointed this out. Kind of in awe like ‘I kept on repeating bad behaviour and I wish I’d been more like you’ and also as if to say ‘I think you do some weird things Girl but I guess I don’t have to worry about you doing something totally stupid when I’m not there to slap you upside the head’. She’s obviously one of my best friends.

When she told me that she thought this trait was really cool I was kind of flattered. Its always nice to think that you’ve got a pretty decent chance of not doing something really dumb with your life. I was also intrigued. I’d never really thought about things like that before. I can see what she meant and what she was basing her opinion on though. I’m very good at post mortems on personal situations. I’m capable of recognising when I’m falling into old patterns and I’m also pretty good at rationalising the actions I take. The thing is, as least as far as far as some people are concerned I’m sure, I’m also good at arguing. Growing up with my sister I certainly got a lot of practice at it. I think I can probably make some things sound a whole lot better than they are and can convince others that something should be considered ‘a really good decision’ because ‘I totally know what I’m doing’ when in fact, I’m probably talking out of my backside. Trying to convince myself.

On reflection though, do any of us really know what we’re doing all the time? And if we don’t, is that something that we want? Some of us are better than others at choosing paths that don’t have depressing consequences. I’d actually like to think I was one of them but if I turned into one of those people that always knew exactly what they were doing and did the ‘right’ thing then I think I’d have to slap myself. My life would be no fun if you took all the angst out. I’m quite good at it so it’d be a shame to get rid of it now. I don’t really think my angst (or my lack thereof) brings me any closer or even further away from a relationship in the future but I guess its good to know that I’m quite possibly smarter than I look.