Something Missing

Do you ever find yourself feeling as though something is just missing? Things might look right or normal or good even but theres that voice in the back of your mind that whispers something is not what it should be? I hate that feeling. Mostly because when I have that feeling, I’m right. And as much as I like being right (and I know I’m not the only one out there), it can be a pain in the neck. Because then you have to do something. It ought to be much easier to ignore what you wish would go away. I mean I’ve managed to live in a house with 5 boys for about a year and if I could ignore the near perpetual state of the kitchen I should be able to ignore anything right? Maybe not.

I’ve been thinking about this recently because I was kind of seeing someone towards the end of last year. At first I didn’t want to write about it here and then I wasn’t sure how I’d want to write about it. So I didn’t. Obviously. And now I’m not writing about it so much as why I felt it ended. I think for both of us there was just something missing. I’m not sure how you’d define it but whatever it was, it wasn’t there. Things that should have been easy seemed to take too much effort and things that should have been a no-brainer didn’t just happen. I know relationships are about compromise and communication and these things don’t necessarily just happen overnight but there are things that should happen eventually.

I’m still not quite sure whether I expected too much or too little. Maybe I just expected something I shouldn’t have. I was reading a post the other day where the writer was struck my the remark made to her that perhaps she was single as she tried to view her relationships as ones where the function was to entertain and be entertained in return. That made me wonder whether I might possibly have done the same thing myself. I’m not sure. I remember thinking that we talked less when we were supposedly together than when we weren’t. I think I also felt that at times we weren’t so much spending time together as time beside each other which didn’t work for me either. But then things also look a little different when you’re removed from the situation.

At the time I was worrying about it and losing sleep and pretty much making a bigger deal out of it than was necessary. Everything sort of worked itself out in the end though after I discovered that what wasn’t working for me wasn’t really working for him either. I stopped ignoring the feeling that something was missing and we talked about it. Maybe it was a timing thing. Maybe we both didn’t want it enough at the time or maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Everything teaches you something though so I’m kind of hoping I’ve come off a little wiser. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.