It'll Cost But A Penny

Well I have been a bit slack recently. Again. A few things have been going on over the past couple of weeks which I am still processing, and a few other things have not (namely the internet connection at home which I am glad to say is back now). I have actually started various posts along the way but have in effect finished nothing – which doesn’t help when it comes to posting something. I actually started the main part of this post a couple of weeks ago but wasn’t really happy with it because I thought it was a little sappy and trite in parts. To be honest, I still think that but have obviously posted it anyway. At the very least, it more or less was what I thought at the time. I’m not sure its even worth a penny though…

I can live without the gut feeling that comes when you know someone is holding back and ‘not’ talking to you. Those times when you’d really prefer to be by yourself. The frustration you have when you’re aware that something is wrong but you have no idea how to fix it. Those seemingly insignificant words or gestures that hurt more than you thought they could. The times you swear you are not waiting for the phone to ring although you really are. The fear that you’re going to disappoint someone or cause pain you never intended. Wondering if you are really going in two different directions because you’re not at all sure they understand you. Wanting something you can’t have. Being asked for something you can’t give. Having a multitude of questions and a shortage of answers.

I miss effortlessly falling into step with someone as you walk down the street. The sensation of having fingers not my own running through my hair. Being able to reach out and touch someone to make that physical connection that says I’m glad you’re here and I care. Having someone seek you out just to hear the sound of your voice. Seeing that slow smile and sparkle in their eye which means they know exactly what you’re thinking because they’re thinking it too. Someone who’ll slow dance you around the kitchen because they love any excuse to hold you. Getting a neck massage when I’m tired. That smell that your body somehow recognises before your brain does and it leaves a warmth in your heart. The potential for those achingly perfect moments that you wish could last a lifetime.

I want that falling feeling as opposed to that sinking feeling. The balance and ease that seems to come to some couples. The comfort and familiarity you find as you build something that will last. Someone who can make me laugh till my sides ache. Someone who will let me listen to my music and watch my DVDs even if they hate them. To find excitement and potential inside a routine. Someone who pushes, grounds, inspires and entertains. A supplement as well as compliment. The missing half, the perfect match, the soul mate, the one. Integrity, loyalty, generosity and everything else on the list. Someone who ticks only the right boxes and none of the wrong ones. Not to mention someone who makes me feel good.

I would like to be happy in life. I would like to know that the future holds good things. I would actually like a lot of things that I will have to work for and that no one can guarantee. Knowing what to go after however is perhaps part of the battle. So at least having some thoughts is better than none.