A Little Less Slobber

I recently went to a singles night arranged by one of the internet sites I have been involved with over the past twelve months. Unfortunately I was unsuccessful in meeting anyone I would have liked to stay in contact with and I must say that unlike the Lock and Key party, I was not really impressed with many of the guys present either. It wasn’t my scene or my style. Although I wasn’t by any means the youngest there, I was definitely one of the younger ones but outside of the age factor, I’ve actually never found myself attracted to guys who drool.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I am often flattered to find out if people find me attractive and when I go to a function, I do make an effort to dress up but when a guy can’t form a coherent sentence due to the difficulty in getting around the litre of saliva he’s starting to share with polite company, I’m not thinking baby, come ring my number. Far from it in fact. At this particular singles party the other night, I was actually thinking about The Newcastle Song.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the lyrical genius of Bob Hudson (and I am actually assuming that’s all of you), The Newcastle Song was perhaps his biggest hit which topped the Australian charts in 1975. I find it hilarious as it tells the story of ‘young Norm’ and of some girl who can’t be named due to the nature of her tale. Both of their stories are then somewhat randomly linked by a chorus which consists of – don’t you ever let a chance go by, oh lord, don’t you ever let a chance go by.

The ‘song’ itself goes on for quite a few minutes and really contains more talking than singing. We first hear the tale of young Norm who cruises down Hunter street in Newcastle in his hotted up car just looking for the right girl to pull up beside and crack on to. And this ‘cracking on to’ consists of him leaning out the window and saying, real suave like, “G’day. Hows it goin’. Do you do it” and then what follows is a rather drawn out sound that one assumes a mentally retarded person might make. Something between a ‘huuuhhhh’ and ‘whwoo’.

Towards the end of his tale, young Norm, after cracking on to a beautiful sheila, is being hassled by her 6’ tall hell’s angel boyfriend who is now just itching to fight. Just as Norm starts to get himself in a little too deep however, there’s a break in the traffic and as the chorus says, “don’t you ever let a chance go by”. And Norm’s off! So this is what I was actually thinking about as I tried to avoid what Neanderthals the North Shore apparently had to offer on Saturday night. Amidst wandering hands and not so subtle stares, if my exit was clear, baby I was there.