The Need For Speed (Part Three)

Looking back on the whole speed dating experience I think there are a couple of comments that I would make. First off, for all of those who are not as a rule energised by large groups of people, the night can be somewhat exhausting. During each period of eight minutes, I felt almost rushed as if this was the only opportunity (EVER!) that I might have to talk to each person and I had to try and fit everything in. I’d try not to feel as though I was repeating myself as I answered similar questions several times over and I’d try to find out something about each person I met and desperately hope that I didn’t get them all confused. I’d try to give someone my undivided attention for the full eight minutes and then the champagne glass would ding and it would start over again. Unfortunately this didn’t leave much time to make decisions or write comments.

When you start the speed dates, you get a little card to write on. You write your own name at the top and all the names of the people you speed date down the bottom. There is a column for comments (one assumes so you can remember who on earth they are and change your mind later) and a column to write either yes or no. In the interest of being fair, there were some I left as a question mark when I met them but didn't actually write comments because it felt rude to do so in the middle of a conversation. As a consequence of course I was trying to sneak a peek at everyone at the end of the night when I couldn't for the life of me remember who ‘Rob’ was. I don't think I was the only one with this problem though. I believe in the end I decided that if it was a question mark, it was really a ‘no’. The host tells you at the beginning that its better to be generous than stingy cause hey, its good for the ego to have matches the next day and you are not agreeing to marry the person after all, but this I think has its own problems.

I mean its all very well to match with people you think you could at least talk to again but realistically, most of us work and already have some sort of social life. Given this, if you are lucky enough to match with several people, you are all of a sudden adding all these individual contacts at one time. And since you are hardly likely to see all of your ‘dates’ at once and go out together – that just smacks of bad taste – you then have to find the time and the inclination to see each of them separately. Putting down preferences to see several people again seemed like a good idea at the time but I now know it wasn’t something I made work.

All in all though, I did enjoy my evening. I did match with people but sadly I didn’t meet the love of my life. What are the chances really though? When you look at it, you've only just met ten or so other people and how many are there in the world? There is always a chance though and you may just make the friend that can introduce you to your perfect match. So if you’ve ever been curious, give it a go!

The Need For Speed (Part Two)

When you actually have the 'dates' in speed dating, it seems to be the convention to have the girls remain seated at individual tables and get the men to rotate around the room till they’ve met each one. On my night, there were ten gentleman (and ten ladies) and I got eight minutes with each but depending on the company you sign up with this can range from three to ten. Eight minutes I found was pretty good. A little short for some perhaps but for others, assuming you get someone who is prepared to talk and not merely look at you like a stunned mullet or freeze up like a deer caught in headlights, you'd only have to crap on for about four minutes. Most of us I think can do this. If you can't I suppose you could always resort to reciting the words of Christmas carols to fill in time and hope that you scare them off or something.

Whether you decide to ‘prepare’ for the dates or not is entirely up to you though. It is advised however, that you don't give out too much personal information (as in where you work, who you work for, your full name etc.) just in case there really are freaks and you attract a stalker. They like to put it in terms of actually having to personally reject someone or be rejected but really, I think this basically just eliminates the freak factor from your concerns. As far as I could tell though, everyone was quite normal and most people seemed to take that advice on with a grain of salt. A lot of people didn't actually tell me who they worked for but they did give me a lot of personal details. And then there were all the other things that people told me....

I will admit to being a little nervous on the night and I know I waffled on about nothing much to a few people but I would hope I am able to discern things that people really don't want to know about me. For example I don’t believe I would announce to someone that I had a post-viral condition. If I was a doctor this may be a fair analysis of my medical state but there is a time and place for these things. In front of someone you're hoping to impress is never the place. Hindsight is a wonderful thing however and I guess it can be quite nerve-racking to converse with so many new people in such a short time (did you know by the way that you can actually get date coaching to help you out in these situations at a completely exorbitant rate?).

Anyway, amongst my ten potential suitors there those who treated the whole night like an extended version of twenty questions, others who didn't really want to talk about themselves and of course, guys who only wanted to talk about themselves. There was a guy that leaned right across the table like he wanted to crawl into my lap (can I just saw EW!) and the occasional one who was a relief and a laugh. All up I guess I just went with the flow and found that I did genuinely like some of the people I met.

The Need For Speed (Part One)

When I was thinking about what to post next, I thought it might be fitting to write about the evening I spent speed dating. This was actually a while ago and I did already write a rather long email to some friends about it at the time but I thought some of my thoughts then would fit here as well. Speed dating was after all, quite an interesting experience.

When I first heard about the phenomenon, I actually thought it was quite a cool idea. Bizarre, but cool. I figured it would be a good way to meet some new people (seeing as I was severely lacking in the social acquaintance department) and I wouldn’t be required to already know someone. Reading up on it a bit before I went, I had a vague idea of what to expect and I was intrigued by the testimonials of a few people who claimed to be total converts or addicted to the events. I can’t say that I became (or am now) either of those but depending on my situation, it is something I would consider doing again.

The night itself started for me at around 7:30 on a Monday in one of the city bars. Many of the events are actually held early to mid week as this seems to be more convenient for most people. It also makes it possible for you to strike while the iron is hot as it were and set up a date for the weekend if you hit it off with anyone. So anyway, I arrived at 7:30 and walked in feeling like a bit of an idiot because I’d never done anything like this before. I tried to look self-assured and very un-desperate and dateless as I scanned the bar looking for where I was supposed to be. Luckily for me, I was not the first to arrive and when I walked upstairs, there seemed a likely bunch of people who were sort of sitting together but obviously didn't really know each other. Then the host came up and assured me I was in the right place and gave me a drink.

So basically, when you first go to speed dating, you walk into the bar and find the most uncomfortable people there, sit down and start chatting to them. Sounds great huh? It is a good idea though. The "dates" themselves are supposed to start promptly at eight so if you arrive beforehand, you actually get some downtime practising your conversation technique before you get bashed over the head with everyone else’s. They ply you with free champagne, which might just possibly pry your mouth open more than any of your prospective partners could and this also gives you something to do if you'd rather not talk at all just yet. Providing Dutch courage for some (and possibly an anaesthetic for others), it lets you not look like a complete moron just staring at everybody.

There is the occasional nibbly to shove into your mouth as well but they don't really go very far so I wouldn't advise anyone to turn up hungry. Turning up with no food in your stomach does actually help the champagne give you a nice buzz which I can attest to, but if you can't control the noises your stomach makes when you need food, I wouldn't risk it. After a bit of chit chat however, theres no time to think of food because the dates start!

Is It Worth The Flick?

Apparently the film you watch on a date can make or break a fledgling relationship. If it’s morbid and depressing it may not encourage you to be at all social afterwards. If it truly interests only one party, it may lead to awkward questions of taste. And if it contains high levels of sex, it may just lead to awkward questions. Unless you have a good idea of what you are getting into, the safest bet is usually an action movie or a comedy. Choice of movie however, is not the only pitfall encountered by many a dating movie-goer. What goes on inside the movie theatre is just as important.

Going to the cinema is often a popular choice for dates. It’s dark and romantic and somewhat more private than a restaurant or bar. It also enables you to spend time in someone else’s company without having to sit face-to-face with them and make conversation. What some people don’t tell you though, is the agonies of indecision they go though when they decide whether or not they should hold hands or perhaps whether or not they should actually tell their date that they don’t want to (and I can’t really shed any light on these questions myself as I still haven’t figured it out either).

Even for those who love the physical contact and caresses often inherent in a relationship, there are many people who don’t like to be distracted during a movie. It can be hell to be stuck beside someone who constantly fidgets beside you or who grabs your hand and absent-mindedly rubs it raw. It can also ruin the whole experience if your date constantly wishes to address comments to you throughout the movie whenever they find something interesting or funny. Of course, you may be the person who sees a movie as purely a secondary consideration and only want to be with someone who thinks the same way.

However you usually watch a movie, it definitely has its advantages when your partner shares your habits (or is not in a position where they feel they have to tolerate them). If you’re the kind of person who is happy to wander in and out of a movie for a toilet or food break, there could be repercussions if you’re with someone who believes you should get your money’s worth by watching the entire movie. Even the credits. And if you’re the kind of person who only goes to movies to make out, well you definitely need someone like-minded to enjoy that too.

Unfortunately, something as simple as watching a movie can be a cause of friction in any relationship. On the upside though, if you’re passionate about your movies, it may be a good way to check compatibility.

All I Want For Christmas

Audrey Hepburn still wants a room somewhere. Not for any elicit purposes but just for somewhere to get away from the cold night air. Many school children right about now are wanting their two front teeth and what do I want for Christmas? Well, some of the calendar boys might be nice. Around this time of year, calendars flood department stores, shopping centres and email accounts and this afternoon I received one that was definitely drool-worthy.

Mr June was pretty damned hot I must say. Mr August and Mr October however (why is that my birth month is always bad?), were nothing I’d want to keep around for too long - let alone the 31 days it takes to get through the month. I would consider letting Mr February and Mr September hang around for an extended stay though. Why not. Every girl needs fuel for her fantasies after all, even if they are just good for meat and muscle. And as it was pointed out to me the other night, what else do we have to drool over?

I have been told repeatedly by men, that sometimes there’s nothing better than a pair of breasts. Any breasts. One guy even went as far as telling me he’d like to wake up next to a pair of breasts each morning whether they were attached to a woman or not. I’m not quite sure how to take that but it pretty much supports the idea that all breasts are good. And luckily pretty much all women have them. When it comes to what all women drool over however like a tight butt, a six pack or great pecs etc, well unfortunately not all men have those.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not personally holding out for a Mr Universe (actually, I don’t think I could stand dating someone that ripped anyway) and I am aware that I’m not a swimsuit model myself but I definitely indulge in a few fantasies now and then. You know, the kind of politically incorrect ones that completely objectify the male body and ones in which I could challenge Jennifer Hawkins for her crown any day of the week. I may go between being the damsel in distress and the scintillating siren but the tall, dark and handsome part of the equation generally remains the same. Hey, they're my fantasies.

So this year in my Santa stocking I know what I’d like to see. I’m sure a bit of lean, buff and tanned muscle could be fun. And of course, if Santa saw fit to drop something off on my doorstep instead, I’d be sure to let him know I’ll be celebrating interstate this year.

Love Story

I got sucked in by a documentary the other night. I’d just gotten home and I thought I’d turn the tv on for a little background noise. I flicked through the channels to find something appropriate and I happened to pass the ABC. I stood there watching for a couple of minutes, fully intending to wander off, but then realised that I really wasn’t going to go anywhere and eventually sat down. I was in for the long haul, which I was quite happy to discover at the end of an enlightening half an hour, wasn’t that long at all.

The program itself was called Love Story and was hosted by the British Dr John Marsden (ie. not the Australian children’s author). He was discussing the science of love and relationships and some of what he had to say was really quite interesting. Initially he was talking about the three stages of love. First there’s lust, where your hormones will get you out, perhaps actually looking for someone. Then there’s attraction. This may be where you can’t stop thinking about another person. People often lose their appetite and some sleep and when confronted by the person in question, blood is likely to rush to the areas it could be needed and away from places it isn't - like the stomach - which is apparently why we get butterflies.

This stage also seems to involve a rather big chemical rush. The body will produce dopamine (which is also activated by cocaine and nicotine - no wonder people get addicted!), norepinephrine (also known as adrenalin which will get your heart racing) and I think it can even lower the body’s levels of serotonin which has been associated with anxiety and depression (that probably explains why some people are a little crazy in a new relationship). All this balances out however (because as a permanent state it’s really a little inconvenient) and we build up a tolerance for love’s chemicals and move on to the next stage, which is attachment.

After the first flush of love is over, and apparently it does end after 5 or so years - possibly to give us the opportunity to go on and produce new progeny with another partner and further the species - we can fall into the attachment phase. Here, the chemicals of oxytocin (which helps the bonding instinct) and vasopressin (which I think does something similar) are released during intimacy. This ultimately helps hold people together. But there were other things that were said to help too. Sharing fear (often misinterpreted as love although I don’t know how) apparently also helps to cement a relationship. So theme parks are really very healthy…

All in all, the program was quite fascinating although short and simple. There were some theories I’d heard before and others I hadn’t but it certainly provided some food for thought.

The Bait

There are plenty of words out there which have been created to describe (or define) the various ‘relationships’ that people seem to be in nowadays. From the initial idea of friendships (no sexual interest or history), we may progress to ‘flingeaux’ (a fling that becomes a series of flings), ‘interludes’ (like a flingeaux but on purpose, although able to be called off at a moments notice), or perhaps ‘interships’ (when one of you thinks it should be more serious than an interlude). Each label carries with it subtle differences to account for all the small variations of intent and routine. We also seem to have names for some of the situations we may find ourselves in though, such as the 'bait'.

How many of you have hung out with someone, all in the name of friendship - you suppose - only to find that suddenly it feels very much like you’re out on a date? If you have, it is quite possible that in fact, you have been out on a bait. Which is a most appropriate term really if you think about it. It’s that occasion where one person starts to put out a few feelers to see if they can hook someone else and reel them in. When someone wants to lure another towards the idea of being together to see if they’ll bite. It can be a good way to start a relationship but more often than not it’s a little awkward, especially if the object of those attentions would rather they were all directed elsewhere - when the baitee actually wants to hang a sign on their door saying ‘gone fishin’...’, and disappear.

The bait is largely recognisable when everything is going fine but then you get that strange pause or maybe the conversation gets a little too personal. It could be with someone you’ve known for years or maybe someone you’ve just met but the atmosphere shifts and you’re pretty sure that whomever you’re with, they’re not looking at you as just a mate anymore. When its not the answer to your hearts desire, it can be a rather uncomfortable situation. No matter which side you are on. Well, that is if you’re not an insensitive clod that can’t move more than three feet from a mirror without having apoplexy. Although perhaps more difficult than finding yourself on a bait however, is not actually knowing when you’re on one.

I did find some ‘bait’ signs a while ago though, which might possibly help out in future. Apparently girls, you should watch out for: 1) When it’s the first time you’ve ever seen his hair combed. 2) When you think you must have a stain on the front of your v-necked blouse because he keeps staring at that area…a lot. 3) When he wants to pay for at least 55% of the evening’s expenses every time. 4) When he wants you to know how single and available he is, but that there are many other women who might very well be interested in him-soon. 5) When he offers to let you try his drink (from his glass) or his entrée (from his fork). Then of course there’s also your gut instinct.

Unfortunately, none of these signs are actually fool-proof but if nothing else, you may just know that somebody wants you.

Touchy, Testy And Otherwise Ticked

I must say, I feel compelled to point out that my PMS or lack thereof has absolutely nothing to do with other people being morons. There are some people out there however, who are not of that opinion. Apparently it’s quite handy to assume that if I have a problem, it must have something to do with me being a female and it might also be something that will go away by itself. Eventually. Females are after all, as many have said, not entirely trustworthy creatures. I mean would you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die?

Ok. Lame joke we have all heard before but valid point. Quite often it seems that when a female gets upset and a guy calls her on it, not far behind is a reference to PMS. At the risk of sounding bitchy – I think its really lame and it annoys the crap out of me. I’m not saying that PMS doesn’t exist or that it doesn’t adversely affect some women but rather that we are not all hormonal all of the time. And even when we are somewhat emotional, it doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly lost the use of half our brain cells. I’m sure if that were the case, medical science would have discovered it before now.

The other thing that occasionally leaves me rather frustrated is people who seem to assume they’ve pissed me off. And tell me about it. Not people who have actually pissed me off (which is a different matter entirely), but people who have obviously read my body language or my voice incorrectly and proceed to say something like ‘now I’ve really annoyed you’. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m not exactly backwards about coming forwards when I’m unhappy with someone. I’m pretty sure I let people know in no uncertain terms. I’m big enough to admit that I don’t always tell people why when I’m in a funk but I think it’s rather obvious when I am.

If I’m not spitting and hissing or desperately trying escape, it’s usually pretty safe to assume you are not going to see the thundercloud impression. At least I think so. But then again, my friends didn’t enlighten me on the whole thundercloud impression bit for quite a while so maybe I’m not the best one to ask. Either way, this isn’t really going anywhere but I just wanted to vent a bit. When a few things turned Princess Miffy into Princess Miffed this week and I thought this would be cathartic. And I must say, I am feeling better.

He's Just Not That Into You

A couple of weeks ago I was pointed towards an article in the New York Times. Last week, I found a remarkably similar one in the Sydney Morning Herald. We Australians are nothing if not with the times obviously. Anyway, it would seem that the popularity of the Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo book may be reaching our shores and for many, it may contain a lesson worth learning. Or does it?

The book entitled ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ is said to be the ‘no-excuses guide to understanding men’. It answers those questions about why he doesn’t call when he says he will (been there), why he seems to back off after a really great date (met a guy who’s done that), why he wants to see you only when he’s drunk (I learnt that one the hard way) and all the other seemingly inexplicable things that men do. Basically, it all boils down to the fact that he’s just not that into you. Well, ‘Duh!’ you might say now, but that wasn’t quite what I was thinking then.

At the time it often seems much easier to make excuses for things that don’t go the way we want. Maybe he’s wary of commitment. Maybe he doesn’t want to seem too keen. Maybe he is actually crazy busy or maybe there’s been a terrible accident during which his mobile was stolen and he was hit on the head leaving him only able to remember your sweet face but not your surname or the ability to use the white pages and the internet. Okay, that was an exaggeration, but you get the point.

To many of us it would seem that anything is better than believing we are not wanted, yet that is what this book is asking us to accept. And apparently some women are lapping it up. Because if you look at it in this light, when things don’t work out, it’s not your fault. The book I gather, doesn’t go into why he’s not into you – like the fact that you could be a psychotic, violent, paranoid strumpet – it merely states that you should be okay if he isn’t interested. It assures women that they are ‘super hot’ and ‘foxy’ and that men are the ones who are ‘selfish jerks’ and ‘really big freaks’.

So it appears you get the good with the bad. Being able to take a step back and take stock of a situation to realise that maybe he isn’t into you, is I think a very good thing (its something I should have done before I’ll admit). Encouraging women to perpetuate the all-men-are-bastards and the I-am-the-victim-here mentality is asking for trouble though. As one of the articles said, the questions of how a woman breaks off a relationship, the consideration used and the way she feels afterwards are never entertained. But despite all that, the general message does still hold. Maybe he is just not that into you.

On The Right Track?

Well I will say this for couples - they certainly take up less room on public transport. It’s not always what you want to look at but there is that redeeming feature. Those of you who have ever had to travel on trains for your commute to and from work will know that you can get quite desensitised to packing into metal carriages like sardines but its definitely not fun in the heat. And there will still be that small degree of distance from each of your fellow travellers that takes up space. Even if it’s that rigid posture that says you-touch-my-arse-buddy-and-you-are-so-dead.

But thinking about trains and the platforms you hang around on waiting for said trains, got me round to thinking - its all a bit like love and relationships really. Seriously. I mean you could be all ready to connect. With a person or maybe with a relationship. You get yourself together and you get to the train station only to find that the train is pulling away from the platform as you arrive. You’ve missed out. You’ve lost your chance. Things will not be going well for you today. Better luck next time.

Of course there can also be communication problems even when you think everything is fine. You’re there on time, but the train may pull up full to bursting with stressed-out commuters and you just know there is no room for you there. Please try again later. Or maybe the situation is ‘THE TRAIN TO. DESTINATION. HAS BEEN. CANCELLED. WE. APOLOGISE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE’. Highly impersonal and it’s beyond your control. Someone else has decided that you won’t be going anywhere for a while.

Then there are the times when you’re all ready to go but other things get in the way. ‘THE TRAIN TO. DESTINATION. IS DELAYED. BY APPROXIMATELY. TEN. MINUTES’. Not to mention ‘FOR SERVICES TO. DESTINATION. PLEASE CHANGE AT. DESTINATION A. FOR A CONNECTING BUS SERVICE TO. DESTINATION’. You might have your own personal schedule but life doesn’t always work out like that. You can’t always have what you want when you want it. And sometimes you have to go a lot of places you don’t necessarily want to before you get to where you’re really going. I’m sure love can be like that too.

Then there is the fact that some destinations sound a lot better than they actually are. For all those who don’t happen to know any better, ‘Campbelltown’ probably sounds like a really nice place. And have you ever noticed that ‘Museum’ sounds an awful lot like ‘New Zealand’ during peak hour at Central? I didn’t believe it at first but it really does and having been to both, I can tell you that Museum is not half as exciting.

So the next time you find yourself hanging around waiting for public transport that never runs on time and is fraught with problems, and while you’re cursing over maintenance, infrastructure and availability issues you have nothing to do with, you might want to contemplate the above. And if you’ve just missed the last train home, you might want to catch a taxi.

Me, Jane - You, Tech Boy

If you’ve ever really wondered what boys are good for, go check out JB Hi-Fi on a Saturday. Floating around the audio visual/technical type sections you will invariably see a host of male sales assistants and a number of male shoppers drooling over the merchandise. What females you do see around there, are usually accompanied by their boyfriends - even she is the one making the purchase.

Now I’m not saying here that females are inept in this field (or even that all guys know what the hell they are talking about). My sister for example, is one funky tech chick and gets excited over things like Leatherman Waves and other accessories I don’t know how to use (let alone know what to do with) but even she has her limits. Buying a car stereo was one of them. And her story is all too familiar. I’m pretty sure that on any given weekend if you were out and about, you would be able to overhear a conversation somewhat like the following.

Salesman: Can I help you at all today sir?
Boyfriend: Yeah, my girlfriend is looking for a new car stereo. Something with MP3 and WMA playback capability that could also read CD-R’s and CD-RW’s. That’s what you want isn’t it honey?
Girl: I just want something that will play all my CD’s. That one looks kinda nice.

We have now established that the boyfriend is potentially not just there for show and may know what he’s talking about. The boyfriend has after all showed interest in what the product actually does as opposed to what it looks like. The girl on the other hand will now be known as Blonde for the rest of the conversation.

Salesman: Yes, this is a great model. Its been really popular with the multi-colour dot-matrix display that also has a contrast adjustment and slot lights unlike some other models.

Salesman makes a pitch at both the Blonde and the Boyfriend to establish if they are real contenders or if they merely read an article yesterday about what to look for in car stereos. Also whether they are worthy of a normally-its-X-but-specially-for-today-its-Y discount or a more serious I-obviously-can’t-bullshit-you-so-I’ll-just-impress-you discount.

Boyfriend: What other features does it have though? Does this one have a 4-band parametric EQ?

Boyfriend has now upped the stakes, suggesting that he really does know what he’s talking about and opening the door for geek-speak so he can Battle for Blonde by impressing the hell out of her and getting a good deal.

Salesman: No, but this model over here might be what you’re after. It has a 4-band parametric EQ in addition to 4-channel digital time alignment and MediaXpander.

Salesman now waits to see if Boyfriend can reply appropriately to answer still open 'Blonde and Brains vs Blonde and Brawn question'.

Boyfriend: That’s a fair bit more money. I’m assuming it also has a 3-position crossover and subwoofer level and phase controls then?

Boyfriend has now proved his worth and impressed Salesman.

Salesman: Naturally. Its also XM radio ready. I can see you are a discerning listener. I normally don’t do this but if you want to take this today I can offer it to you for X (naming a price that is at least 25% lower than ticket price).

Boyfriend has now also impressed the socks off Blonde who when asked for her input, naturally gets right to the heart of the matter.

Blonde: Does it have pretty colours and do you think it’ll match my car?

ps. I have nothing against Blondes. I myself would be 'Über-Blonde' in this situation.
pps. I also have a sneaking suspicion I may have completely embarrassed myself by using lots of big words I don't understand.