Is It A Bird...?

I saw Superman the other day and he was cute. No really, I did. See Superman that is. And think he was cute. I happened to be walking down York Street and right up along side film crews, extras and plenty of other people involved within the movie industry, all here to create the next Superman flick. So just like all the other gawking pedestrians, I stopped to watch, fascinated by I have to admit, not much at all. I did get to see them actually film something though and I did get to see the super man himself.

So that got me thinking. Am I really a superman kind of girl? Do I go for the whole superhero image of ultimate strength and goodness? Or perhaps am I more a Clark Kent kind of girl? Someone after the down-to-earth and more sweet-natured of the species. Or indeed am I actually neither? Do I instead consider myself a Lex Luther fan? Possibly hungering after the bad boy who either has absolutely no intention of being a good boy at all or who only occasionally likes to try on the righteous side of life just to see if he can still fit into it.

Of course these are rather ridiculous stereotypes that are hardly indicative of the entire male population but since a whole heap of guys still feel that Wonderwoman would be their ideal mate, lets just run with this for a second. For starters, I’d have to say that I’m a little too selfish for Superman. I wouldn’t want a guy who would be constantly breaking dates cause he had to rush off and save the world. I wouldn’t want someone I could never get a hold of or who held secrets from me and I also wouldn’t want to feel bad that I desired this. In other words, I know I’m selfish but I’d be more comfortable if it wasn’t completely obvious.

With Lex you probably wouldn’t have this problem. You would most likely be convinced that you were actually his world, at least in the beginning. If anything, you would end up focusing on if he still cared for you rather than if you were selfish because this guy is not above taking advantage when it suits him or taking whatever he wants. This is sort of attractive though at times. The trouble is, he’s kinda ruthless at it, which isn’t. So I guess I’d have to say I pass on Lex too. He might turn my head but he’s way out of my league.

And as far as Clark Kent goes, well he always seems a little too unassuming. Super nice, super friendly but just not superman. A certain amount of confidence and assertiveness usually goes a long way and according to the storytellers Clark Kent just doesn’t have it. Although if I really think about it, good old Clark usually is pretty cool. He’s always portrayed as a great guy but they make it so obvious Lois Lane can’t see the wood for the trees that we see him as needing to improve. So I guess for want of a better option, I’d favour Clark Kent but for now I’ll leave him to Lois. I’m still on the hunt for my superman though.

In Search Of An Impotent Man

As odd as it sounds, the above is the title of a book I read a few years ago by Gaby Hauptmann. It’s a translation that I read first in English and then attempted in the original German (although that went an awful lot slower let me tell you). It’s centred on the main character, Carmen Legg, who is an attractive woman in her late twenties. She is also a woman who has finally had enough of boyfriends who cheat, clients who believe her body should be provided as one of her company’s services and sleazy men in general. So she decides to take action.

Carmen figures that most of her grievances with men stem from sex and concludes that the only way around this is to take it wholly out of the equation. She feels lonely and wants a partner but believes that only a specific sort of man might fill the void. So she places an ad for a companion who is charming, attractive, considerate…and impotent. Of course from this point on, things appear to go well, turn out disastrously wrong and then finally work out in the end. As all chick lit seems to do.

Along the way, Carmen realises that she is not comfortable with being unable to physically fulfil her partner in every respect. She also learns that she cannot always manipulate things to be as she would wish. Due to this, she occasionally comes across as what some would term TSTL (a romantic heroine term that affectionately refers to those that are Too Stupid To Live) but I choose to ignore some of the glaring inconsistencies in the character of one reputed to be both intelligent and mature. I instead am entertained by the premise of the story.

As much as I’m sure that it would never solve all your problems in the romance department, there are times when I definitely think the idea has some merit. And I don’t mean that in a vindictive way either. I think. I do feel though that just as there are some women who give the rest of us a bad name by being callous and bitchy, there are guys who definitely turn women off by being chauvinistic and only after one thing. So if that one thing wasn’t a viable option for them, maybe we might be able to see another side to some of the men out there. I’m sure they must have them.

And having said that, I’m sure some of you might argue that this is just another case of a woman wanting to have her cake and eat it too. Another example of a female wanting to dictate how people around her act and react. One could also say that the whole idea wasn’t very well thought out at all and if that’s the case, so be it. I know a handful of guys who have expressed the desire to have a remote control that worked on women and I don’t think the ‘Stepford Wives’ approach to controlling behaviour is a plausible solution either.

Lost For Words

Like many people I am sure, I occasionally find myself in situations where I really have no idea what to say to someone. I get to that point where I’ve exhausted the seemingly obvious or safe topics of conversation but I feel somehow obliged to continue. I rack my brain for something both appropriate and relevant to say but depending on the situation I find myself in, I usually come back to something that is either not particularly relevant or appropriate.

When faced with questions that I’d rather not be answering, I often remember my friend Legs’ attempt at subtly changing the subject - do you want to make muffins? Having been confronted once by a personal situation in which she felt uncomfortable, she decided that injecting this into the conversation would be an effective way to avoid any unpleasantness. Taken out of the context of the situation, this probably sounds a little odder than it actually was but let me assure you, its not by much. And unfortunately for Legs, I think it ended up embarrassing her somewhat and amusing the rest of us although I guess it did kind of serve its purpose at the time as well.

Another response that frequently comes to mind is courtesy of my friend Nackers. She found herself on a bus once with someone who we’d both counted as a friend in high school. After about five minutes though, when the so-what-have-you-been-up-to-since conversation ran out, she realised that she really had nothing in common with that person any more. She said she felt trapped into conversing however (because she couldn’t just get off the bus), but wasn’t able to come up with anything more interesting or stimulating to say than ‘so, what colour are your socks…?’. I can definitely sympathise with this. Sometimes its really hard to find a basic wavelength that you share.

And then there are those ‘other’ times when you have no idea what to say to someone. Times when you are talking to someone you can’t or don’t want to simply walk away from. Times when you’re not necessarily trying to deflect an awkward conversation but you feel you ought to say something. Perhaps a time when it has been made clear that someone feels more for you than can be reciprocated. What exactly do you say then? I have been asked this and asked it of others and I still don’t have a satisfactory answer, because how do you bring a relationship back to where you both feel comfortable again? If you ever come up with something that doesn’t sound clichéd or trite, let me know cause I’ve gotta say, I’m not sure ‘that kinda sucks huh?’ is really going to cut it.

You're Supposed To Be Single

I don’t know about you but I almost feel that someone writing a column specifically about being single, in a way owes it to their readers to actually be single. Sure they can date or be in unrequited lust or love etc, they can even have a string of exes as long as your leg, but to be not ‘single’? I don’t know. It sort of doesn’t seem fair really. I came to this feeling recently when one of the people I regularly read found himself in a relationship with someone he now considers his ‘girlfriend’.

In addition to making my own contribution to the amount of tripe that can be found on the internet I also read a few columns by wiser and no doubt more humorous authors than myself. I am entertained by their tales of woe and interested in their opinions and findings. I can admire their talent, identify with their plight and think somehow that they are just like me. Except that now one of them is not. He may go on to be happily married with six children and dancing a waltz on his 60th wedding anniversary which could be like me, technically, but right now he has a partner. Which isn’t like me at all.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am happy for him. I don’t actually know him from a bar of soap of course but I think everyone deserves a loving relationship and that includes him. My feelings of somehow being deserted or left behind will also not stop me reading him every week but its just not the same. Its like when married people give you advice I think. They might tell you your chance will come and you have to be open and patient but you just want to turn around and say ‘you think you know cause it happened for you but you’re just not out there any more. You don’t remember how it is!’.

Like childbirth really, in a very odd sort of way. Being in a relationship is about a new life and once you’ve brought that new life into existence, all those happy endorphins come out and make you forget just how horrible trying to find a partner can be. You remember logically that it was painful (I’m sure for men as well as women) and may have even been excruciating but then its over and you conveniently forget. Perhaps just in case you have to do it again. I’m sure that most people would argue, the best advice out there will come from someone who’s been there and done that but for those of us who would consider terminating our single state, ‘am there, doing that’ seems to hold just as much if not more sway. Trial by someone else’s error is always popular.

So now I guess I’ll go on exactly as I have been before. I’ll still read my favourite writers and I’ll still contribute to the overwhelming amount of superfluous information on the web (see above) but I think that once The Single Life finishes figuratively, it should end literally as well. Then I can torture people stupid enough to read with new crap.

Too Close For Comfort?

A few months ago, if you had been wandering through Pitt Street Mall on a weekend, you may have seen a group of people standing around dispensing free hugs. For anyone who cared to partake, either a guy or a girl was ready to offer a friendly embrace. They were promoting their services both by displaying sandwich board signs and calling out to passers by but I’d have to say that they were definitely getting more looks than takers. They also seemed to be inspiring such comments as ‘My God! They’re not Christians are they?’ which seemed a rather stupid thing to say I thought.

So anyway, I guess Sydney’s not quite ready for the personal touch just yet. Which pretty much means that we wouldn’t be ready for Cuddle Parties either. I found out about these recently and I must admit, I was intrigued. Basically, a cuddle party seems to be a group of people (who may or may not know each other) getting together in their pajamas to cuddle. It is not however an ‘orgy’, and there is definitely NO sex involved. There are also rules, which have to be followed including the all-important NO DRY HUMPING. It really is just a group of people getting together to cuddle.

As the pace of life seems to get faster and the living of it more impersonal, many people have felt isolated though surrounded by others. For those of us who are constantly busy or stressed, it can seem an uphill battle to relax. When you were five, it seemed so easy. Most likely your mother or father were there to hug away all your hassles but what about twenty or thirty years down the track? If you’re not in an intimate relationship, the chance of getting some good, old-fashioned (non-sexual) human touch is pretty hard. And that’s where the cuddle parties come in.

These gatherings are set up to create an environment where you can touch, communicate and emote on a personal and physical level without worrying that you will be required to respond to a sexual advance. Of course, some people find that when dropping some of their normal barriers, real physical intimacy is the next logical (and desired) step. And you can actually take your embraces a little further with kissing and petting if you wish but you must always ask permission first and you must not threaten the integrity of the room. If you do, the cuddle caddy and the lifeguard will be there to stop you.

These people have the responsibility of ensuring the party runs smoothly. After explaining the rules and running the Welcome Circle, they make sure that all the participants feel comfortable and safe and that any unwanted sexual tension or energy, is dispersed before it causes a problem. They also encourage you to cry, laugh, touch, share and even fall asleep if you are so inclined. All in all they get to be the ‘responsible adults’ in the room. So it sounds alright in theory huh? As in not the dodgy meetings for nymphomaniacs that some make them out to be. I’d have to say I reserve my judgement for the time being though. Maybe I’m just not ready for them either.

What The..?

I’m sure I could probably have recurring entries titled with the above but even if I use it only once, I feel it happens to be fitting for what I’m talking about today. Namely the ‘Pleasure Of Seduction’ workshop offered by a university on the Spanish island of Tenerife. And I kid you not here, I got it from a newspaper article. This workshop will form part of a Master’s degree (mmm..even that sounds suggestive now) in sexual education and therapy. It will also teach you ‘how to seduce potential sexual partners’.

Now for all of those Monty Python fans out there, I’m sure you had a good laugh at John Cleese educating a room full of private school (or ‘public’ I think it is for the British) boys in the art of sex. Complete with a personal demonstration. He drones on though, just like you’d suppose a stodgy old professor would, and all of the boys look and behave remarkably as though they’d like to be elsewhere. The whole sketch just cracks me up and was the first thing that came to mind when I read the short article.

The second thing that came to mind when I’d read the article was a male dominated class full of sleazy, greasy men who first and foremost wanted a go at a female instructor. And next to that, seriously wanted to boost their pick up success rate. I’m sure neither is particularly accurate however. For all I know, the class could be female dominated and filled with intellectual types who hope to make a career in marriage counselling or social theory. Its also quite possible that the workshops are not exactly 'hands on' in the way one might imagine. Imagine it one does though. You can’t help it.

How exactly would you go about teaching one person to seduce another? Would you use demonstrations? Role plays? Theory? All of the above? And who exactly would you be teaching? I’m sure there are actually a number of men and women out there who would love to be as talented as Don Juan or a renowned courtesan. People who would immeasurably improve their lives if only they could enjoy them a little more. Of course, it does not necessarily follow that someone wanting this knowledge would be game enough to actually enrol in a class but you never know.

So will this stream of education ever hit our shores do you think? Will our national university pick it up as part of their gender studies program (if they still have one)? Probably not but its still a somewhat entertaining idea that has amused me for the duration of writing this entry. And after all, we already have ‘date coaching’ so this wouldn’t be that much of an extension. But then again, maybe there are people to whom this knowledge should not be imparted and we’re better safe than sorry?

Tier Four (NOT) My @rse

Ok, further to my entry on when it might be an appropriate time to call someone after an exchange of phone numbers, I felt I had to write about the Tier theory. When I was recently back in Canberra, indulging in some quality television time, I was introduced to this theory by one of the charming cameos on Oprah’s ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ special. This particular show did actually air here last year but I have only now FINALLY managed to get a hold of it and watch it, and some parts of it were…interesting.

The whole thing was actually a bit sensationalist I found. Oprah was interviewing Greg Behrendt but not his co-author (who happened to be a woman and present in the audience). Given that Greg was a self-confessed (former) bastard though (he’s happily married now), he probably made the better sound byte. The show was cute, but it didn’t really enlighten me much further on the book at all. It merely reinforced my impression that you could probably sum the whole thing up in a couple of paragraphs. To be honest though, I haven’t actually read the book so you may argue that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Regardless of that, Oprah obviously had fun cutting to girls explaining their dilemmas before asking Greg to interpret them. She also cut to guys (who by the way looked like they had made dating somewhat of a profession) for some male secrets all women should know. One of these was the Tier theory. It was confessed by one of the guys that he classes all of his female acquaintances into separate categories. From Tier 1 women who will always be top most in his mind to Tier 4 women who are good for, and will only ever be, a booty call. See, I told you he was charming.

The guy in question expanded on this to say that a Tier 1 woman was someone he really wanted to spend time with. As part of his ‘Dream Team’, he would always be taking her call and would probably be calling her on a Monday or Tuesday. She is the sort of woman he’d plan to spend his weekend with. A Tier 2 woman would be a backup for the Tier 1. A woman in this category would get a call maybe on the Wednesday or Thursday to suss out what she was up to, to keep her interested or maybe hook up. A Tier 3 woman however would not rate this consideration. She would get a call on the way to a club, perhaps to potentially meet up if she was out but possibly more to touch base.

And then we get to Tier 4. This woman would not rate a call throughout the week. She would not get a call whilst he was on the way to a club and a call coming from her would probably not be one he answered. She would get the heads up as he was leaving a club. If he had nothing better to do and was still up for some fun, she would finally make a blip on his radar. She is the BOO-TAY CALL! You know what I’m sayin’? So now don’t you all feel enlightened? Guys, you may figure out where you can improve and girls, you may just have a new level to which you can aspire.

Desperately Seeking Sheila

I was watching tv tonight and happened to flick past SBS’s Desperately Seeking Sheila. As it seemed markedly more interesting than the rest of what was on offer, I decided to check it out. I missed the beginning so I’m not sure if they outlined how the whole series was conceived but it seemed that the gist was following the stories of several couples set up by whoever was creating the series.

In the outback of Australia, men outnumber women about three to one I think they said. So they had introduced women from the UK and Perth to some of our Aussie country bachelors and stuck around for about three weeks to see if they’d hit it off. There was general footage of the couples together and the women individually, voiced over by a narrator, and there was also diary footage from both the men and the women. All you got to see was a mere snapshot really but it was still kind of interesting.

In this particular episode, one of the couples actually got engaged and another chose to live together. The other two I saw did not work out so well. And to be honest, if I was the woman anywhere near those bachelors, it wouldn’t have worked out either. They seemed like complete and utter tossers. As it turned out, one of them wasn’t really out to find someone to connect with at all. He seemed to think it was all a joke and was shagging a barmaid from town on the side. He was of Indian decent and he was so hard to understand that he was actually subtitled.

The other guy chucked a hissy fit because his guest wanted to spend an afternoon getting to know some of the townswomen instead of watching him look after his sheep. He was an arrogant prick (I thought) and at one point, went on about how when he dresses up, he’s like ‘the bomb’ (not his actual words) but doesn’t ever pick up cause the women are just ‘too scared [meaning intimidated]’ (his actual words). He constantly talked about himself (according to her) and didn’t make an effort or listen to others at all. He lived with his mother.

So I can see why neither of the women paired up with these gentlemen or thought that they’d met their knight in shining armour. The other two men were much more down to earth though. And romantic. Those guys seemed blown away to have found a woman they could spend their life with and I guess I hope they make it. I’m not sure that I could cope long term with being that isolated but perhaps one of these days when I write bestselling books for a living, being swept off my feet into the countryside will be all good. Or maybe this Sheila will just have to have a gander on holiday some time.