Making I-Contact

I read an interesting article the other day about first dates and the stresses that surround them. How people are usually nervous as they try to be cool, calm and collected at the same time as being energised, exciting and entertaining. How people frantically try to remember to do this, avoid that and say all the right things to their date as well as be aware and on the lookout for any signs that things are about to go pear-shaped. How people often forget to ask one of the most important questions. A question you don’t actually ask your date.

I know that when I meet new people, I often have a very outward focus. Do they like me? What do they think of me? If I act this way will they go ‘she’s an idiot’? I will find myself worrying about what I say, what I do and ultimately what impact that will have on the other person or the circumstance we find ourselves in. Overanalysing situations that are in essence not actually that complicated, for a long time, one of the last things I thought to ask myself was how I felt.

As they say, it takes two to tango but for some of us, we have to learn to identify ‘what am I really feeling with this person?’. It may sound selfish but it is an important thing to know. When you are sitting down with your date, you should always take a minute to ask are you actually comfortable with this person? Do you feel as though you could tell them anything or is there something that is just not quite right? Are you attracted, excited, nervous or anxious? Is this something you would be happy pursuing or does it feel wrong?

The article states that making this so called ‘I-contact’ is far more important than making ‘eye-contact’ on your date. Feelings are information and your feelings are going to be essential in making the best decision on how to proceed with a relationship. It is quite possible that you will have a mix of positive and negative feelings towards a new acquaintance but if you consider the question of how you feel with the other person, your gut instinct will often be your best guide. You should always pay attention to ‘uncomfortable, unpleasant, or unwanted feelings or sensations’ because if you don’t, what serves as a red flag now may become a big problem later.

So in the interest of a fulfilling relationship, next time you are worrying exactly what someone else thinks, take a minute to identify how you are actually feeling. Its not always an easy question to answer but the more practice you get at it, the better off you’ll be. And then after you understand what you feel, you can start worrying about what makes you feel that way…