The Clothes Make The Man

They do say that the clothes maketh the man but I have recently been wondering if they can ‘unmake’ the man as well. Or maybe whether there is certain amount of truth to the idea that for some people to ‘get it together’ so to speak, they really need to just ‘get a haircut and get a real job’. These musings come to mind as one of my housemates recently decided to chop off half his hair, the top half that is, to sport that oh so fashionable 80’s hairstyle affectionately known as the ‘mullet’. It was definitely a chop rather than a cut (although I am assuming he did actually use a mirror) and the experience for the house has been rather amusing as he tried it on for size – and took it out for a joyride.

My housemate, who has now earned himself the moniker of Porn Star Wannabe in my opinion, is one of the nicest guys I know. Within the house at least, après le mullet, he was also in the running to become one of the filthiest. It was almost as if the hairstyle gave him carte blanche to use a scratchy voice, make suggestive comments and leer in a rather overt manner. And possibly to lean over others and run around the house showing off in boxer shorts when the mood struck. Now this was all in jest I know. Well, the bits that were over and above the norm anyway. It wasn’t intended to be serious, or to offend and I found it more entertaining than disturbing really. It did make me wonder though.

What is it about ‘costumes’ that allow us to adopt a different personality or alternate character traits and can it actually work to your disadvantage? Its probably fairly obvious that a full on costume allows one to assume another identity or afford oneself a measure of anonymity (and therefore freedom) but what about the more subtle changes? Do you behave any different when you’re in professional business dress to when you’re in your daggiest house clothes? If a haircut can bring out the inner Porn Star Wannabe in you then what do the rest of your outfits do? Popular psychologists will tell you that if you look good, then you feel good and if you feel good then you’ll seem more attractive.

It sounds good in theory but its possibly not so easy in practice. Some people have a real talent for buying clothes. They can walk into any op shop and come out looking fantastic whereas others may spend up big on designer labels and practically fade into the background. I’m not really going anywhere with this. I’m not a shopping guru who can advise on the perfect outfit. I have learnt what not to buy for myself, which is at least half the battle I think and hope that I manage to look good with what I do end up in. If anything though I guess I would have to say that a good haircut can be an investment and its worthwhile finding one that suits.

And just in case you were wondering, PSW’s mullet has now gone back to where it belongs – in the trash.

Just One Of Those Things

Sydney chicks are gold-digging posers with a princess complex. Aussie blokes don't know how to treat the fairer sex and wouldn't know romance if it bit them on the butt. Girls today are just looking for the next mind game they can play. Guys never talk about their feelings and rarely communicate in relationships...'All the best women are married. All the handsome men are gay.'. Isn't that the way the song goes? But you know what? With all the judgements and complaints that reign supreme out there in the mags and the media today, it may not always be a male thing or a female thing. Sometimes it might just be one of those things.

It seems to me that most people (and I must admit I am no exception to this) are often quite ready to assign blame in situations that they are uncomfortable with. We criticise people that annoy us and we rationalise our behaviour, jumping at the chance to make anything Not Our Fault. 'He's Just Not That Into You' was a great boon to the dating world. It stopped many women from obsessing over relationships that were clearly not going anywhere. It also however gave some women the ability to excuse completely psychotic behaviour - he won't date me cause he's just not that into me, not because I'm a raving lunatic with maniacal tendencies that would freak the hell out of anyone. But I digress.

I was thinking the other day about a couple of experiences that have stuck in my mind such as the guy that happened to tell me everything I wanted to hear one night and ostensibly disappeared soon thereafter. He was called the worst kind of Arschloch at the time. I'd like to think now though that he actually meant what he said to me. It was merely that whilst he was (legitimately) living in the moment, I was the one already in next week. I think I wanted to project more meaning into the situation than was actually there so its hardly surprising I guess that things didn't quite work out how I'd hoped. Kind of like those times I'd give my number out but never receive a call.

You know when you go out and meet someone who's fun to flirt with and you think hey, I'd like to see this person again? You know when you're asked for your number and you give it willingly only to hear...nothing? It might make you wonder if you imagined the whole interaction. Were you really blind to the fact that they took your number as a means to end the conversation? Were you being played for sport? Did they find someone better? Perhaps though life just got in the way and they changed their mind. The picture often looks a little different when you step outside the frame. Some things lose momentum, people get cold feet and one night really can make up a very small part of someones social calendar.

Its always hard to realise that you may not be as important to someone else as you'd like to be. When you're happy, you really want those around you to be on the same page but as we all know, you can't have everything that you desire in this world. There will always be situations that don't work out the way we hope they will but you have to keep moving forward to find ones that do. And part of that moving forward is to not hold on to petty grievances. I suspect I'm still working on that to some extent but for the most part, I have been able to let stuff go. After all, when the shoe is on the other foot so to speak and I am the one not pursuing something, sometimes it is just one of those things.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Do you know what’s more stupid that liking someone you shouldn’t? Not liking someone who doesn’t want you to like them. Or rather, not liking them when they are afraid that you do. All it takes is a throw away comment or one little idea in their head and they’ve built up a whole scenario where you are pining silently away whilst trying to insinuate yourself into their life at every opportunity and pressuring them to feel something that they don’t. A scenario that, as it happens, is completely erronous. It could all be sorted out with one conversation where you no doubt laugh over crossed wires of course but that would just take the saga out of it.

Even if you’ve not seen that classic movie When Harry Met Sally, I’m sure you have all heard the phrase ‘men and women can’t be friends cause the sex part always gets in the way’. And this situation would be no exception. Even when it shouldn’t be in the way cause neither side are particularly intent on pursuing it, its still in the way. So where does that leave the ‘friendship’ you had before the ‘situation’? Unfortunately on a rocky footing. It has been my experience at least that men are made incredibly uncomfortable when faced with the prospect of not being able to return feelings. It has also been my experience that men withdraw and become somewhat quieter when they are uncomfortable.

In this sort of scenario, there appears to be a whole new level to the label of the strong, silent type. It seems that there is less joking around and less hanging out lest you actually get the wrong idea and start pinning hopes on an impossible dream. Now I would say that I wish for all my unattached male friends to go out and find themselves a partner. I want for them to be happy of course and there would hopefully be the added bonus that they would no longer be concerned with the idea that I might be after them. It is a bit of a catch-22 though. If they did have a partner, they would probably not be concerned that I wanted more than friendship but by the same token, they would also probably not have the time or inclination to just hang out anyway.

Now you might be wondering why I don’t just say something if I think others may be getting the wrong idea and if so, you would definitely have a point. I have to confess a few things here though. One is that over the years I have developed a talent for being completely oblivious to certain things. I have in fact totally missed this situation in the past. Any moments of insightfulness I may experience are usually reserved for other people. The other thing is that I seem to possess a couple of the stereotypically ‘male’ traits. I am not particularly enamoured of discussing my feelings and hey, I don’t particularly want to be the one to put the idea out there either – what if I’m wrong? Its entirely possible that I’m doing the ‘female’ thing and overanalysing something.

My male friends may just not feel like talking to me which I can actually understand cause even I think too much of me is a bad thing at times.

Engaging Company

Well it seems that love is in the air over my side of town. Or maybe its in the water because wherever it is, it would appear to be all around me even though I’m not receiving any of it (my new years resolution to drink more water definitely fell by the wayside somewhere). That did not stop me getting excited however by the news that was awaiting me when I got home the other Sunday night. I walked into my house at about 10:30pm to find a celebration going on in honour of one of my five housemates and his friend whom I also know, albeit not well. There was a congregation of men in my living room who had all come together to consume red wine and toast the fact that both The Schoolteacher and ET Boy had happened to get engaged the night before. So of course I joined in.

Oddly enough, both the proposals were planned out in advance prior to knowledge that they would be delivered on the same day and were given to two women who actually happen to live together. Both proposals were apparently delivered on the beach as well (not the same one though) and everything obviously turned out positively. Each couple is now all smiles and I couldn’t be happier for them all. I did think it was amusing though when the comment was made that both the girls were able to act as a decoy for the other and that they are all now going to be able to save a fortune on bridal magazines. That’s rather convenient all round really.

So far from any of the sentiments possibly offered on June 2nd, the following day was obviously about staying together as opposed to apart. And just in case you didn’t know (I must admit, I didn’t have a clue either until I read it somewhere earlier in the week), June 2nd was National Breakup Day. A seemingly kitsch gimmick that has more to do with the release of the movie The Break Up than any real need for such a day I think. It does however have its own website. Some people really do have way too much time on their hands. But in case there is ever a need, there are sites for absolutely everything these days.

As previously mentioned, there are sites that can break up for you, there are other sites that allow you to dump all your emotional baggage and (although it may not be much use in Australia) there are sites like Don’t Date Him Girl. A site where women get to vent all their hurt and anger over cheating boyfriends, and at the same time warn other women against making the same mistake they did. You can even post a picture. Now personally I think this is a bit ridiculous. I don’t condone cheating at all but there are two sides to every story and well, I am reminded of the saying that everytime you point the finger, there are three more pointing back at you. You should be careful what you publish on the net.

But back to a more pleasing note. At least four people in my social circle are now looking forward to getting married and starting a life together. And I in turn am really happy for them. Its great to see people who are excited about being together and I wish them all the best for the future. I just thought I’d share that.

Meeting The Family

Its always entertaining when your nearest and dearest explain their reasons behind not choosing a lesbian lifestyle. That probably seems like a rather odd statement to make but this has happened to me more times than you’d think. I once heard being gay likened to speaking in tongues, which was for one individual, just plain weird. The phenomenon of the divine gift was considered to be both an unwelcome and an unpleasant experience and well, so too was hooking up with another woman. The other rationalisation that rather amused me was to do with meeting the parents. Women it was complained, prefer to let the whole world know as soon as they’ve found a new friend whilst men are frequently content to wait.

Before I go on, let me just say that neither myself nor my ‘nearest and dearest’ have a problem with women who have a same a sex preference within their intimate relationships. The comments made to me were not judgements but rather personal feelings. Rightly or wrongly, I happened to find them funny (although you possibly had to be there at the time). Because I could definitely see the point about the family and friends thing. Stereotypically, males are somewhat reluctant to introduce a new girlfriend (or even an old one) to all and sundry till they’re sure they want them to stick around. Women however, stereotypically, will introduce you to their uncle-twice-removed’s next door neighbour’s cat on less than one weeks acquaintance. This might sound all right in theory but if you are the girlfriend in question, it can be a little stressful right off the bat.

This week on SMH’s Sam and the City blog, there was an entry about how long you should wait before introducing your new bit of stuff to friends, family and colleagues. From all the comments posted, this is obviously a bone of contention in some relationships – and I confess to having been conscious of this myself at times. Most people seemed to feel however that whilst there was definitely a ‘too late’, there wasn’t really a time that was ‘too soon’. I did get the impression though that its easier not to go the baptism by fire approach (ie everybody all at once), and it can be helpful to have another familiar person with whom the newbie can chat (just in case you need to go off and be grilled by dotty great aunt Mary). But having recently been put in that sort of situation myself, it can have its good points too.

I went to visit someone a couple of months ago and given their busy schedule, I was required to look after myself for a while. I was therefore conscious of trying to start my own conversations and not rely on them, which is an effort for me. As a result, I got to meet some great people. I must admit, I am a bit of a believer in the expression ‘show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are’. Meeting friends and family is a good way of gauging the character of a person and having friends who speak highly of you is one of the best recommendations around. I can only hope that my friends and family would be as positive. I could also hope that they’d go easy on anyone I introduced to them but that would only spoil their fun. Being introduced to many people at the same time though does tend to tire you out so hopefully I don’t have to do it again for a while.

Under The Thumb

Now that I have started my next role, I have a new set of contact details to pass out to friends and family. As always, there is the initial blanket email that goes out advising everyone of my address and phone number change. For some people, this will be the first time I have contacted them in months (I am not the most conscientious of correspondents at times – so sue me) and for others this will make up a small part of regular contact. And once again I have found that this has little to do with who will reply and who will not. Apart from those I know that are lazy sods and can’t be bothered to write back however (you know who you are), there are also perhaps one or two people who may not actually be allowed to respond.

That’s right, my stunning wit and beauty is enough to sway even the most devoted heart (via email no less) away from their current and better half. Ladies, there is a definite danger that once a male has been inside my circle of friendship, he will continually be drawn like a moth to the flame and be consumed by the drug that is moi. If a clean and complete break is not enforced then the individual may be lost forever. Duh! Now I think its perfectly obvious that I was just being sarcastic and that I don’t believe anyone should be told they are not allowed to talk to me. I do know however that there are women who obviously feel the most appropriate place for their partner is completely under their thumb. I can’t imagine that this would be particularly enjoyable for either party though.

I’d like to say that one of the last things I’d want in a relationship is to be someone’s keeper. It shouldn’t be my job to make their decisions for them, its not even my right. Sure, I would hope that my partner would consider my feelings. I confess I would definitely prefer that anyone I was dating did not go out with a different female friend every night of the week. I would never ask them to stay away from someone though. I would also not ask that they never did anything without me. There was a bit of a joke at my old office that some people required Leave Passes in order to attend nights out. I thought these were amusing, basically cause I didn’t take them seriously – courtesy is one thing, control is another. As far as I’m concerned, I should be able to trust my partner. Even when I’m not around.

It is important to spend quality time together in any relationship of course but I have always considered that this should not actually be 24/7. I don’t know about you, but occasionally I need a little time out. Being with one person constantly is just claustrophobic not to mention exhausting. A friend of mine once complained that things weren’t going so well with her boyfriend at the same time she described a situation in which she had altered her previously diverse schedule to spend all her free time with him. The way I figure it, that’s asking for trouble. If someone likes you for who you are, they like that you have your own interests outside of the relationship. Its great to have things in common just as it can be an advantage to be able to pursue new interests together but I’m not sure its healthy to rely solely on one person emotionally. But that’s just my two cents worth.