Heart To Heart

I got asked the other night how my love life was going. In one of the random and rare moments of near quiet that happen in The Mansion where I live, the PSW and I found ourselves sitting down together at the table to share a meal and a beer. Well actually he had the beer and I had the meal, I have never had a taste for the beverage. We also had a catch up on what’s been going on in our lives recently and pretty much on both sides, it was a whole lot of nothing. Not for want of trying however. You might say I just had the shortest, um…‘something’ that I’ve had in a long while (well, not including a few pash-and-dashes that is). It is probably preceded only by the couple of days I was ‘going with’ someone when I was twelve. Ah…those were the days.

So yeah, in the space of about half a week, things were, you could definitely be forgiven for thinking, ‘on’ and then definitely ‘off’ again and the whole thing seemed slightly complicated at the time because there was ‘history’ there. And no, it wasn’t the person I ‘went’ with in year six. Rather this was a person who I have been continually drawn back to over the past six years but with whom I seem to share monumentally bad timing. Since we both found we were living in Sydney, we have caught up only a handful of times but at those times it seems the possibility of an ‘us’ gets floated and then systematically thrown out. Only this time the idea was a little more than floated. And then it was thrown out. And I’m still not quite sure what I think about that.

Our relationship in my mind has always been kind of unique. Perhaps because he’s one of the few people who know me well and can call me on my bullshit. Conversation always seems to flow when we’re together and I rarely ever need to explain myself but at the same time, he frequently comes at things from another angle entirely which intrigues me. Because we can talk about practically everything, we have had a discussion about what was and what wasn’t and we are officially ‘cool’. We have also talked since and we are still cool but I guess its also kind of been on my mind. I am not desperately unhappy with the whole situation (and am therefore wondering if that lack of intense emotion signifies something) and truth be told, I still actually feel like a bit of an idiot.

Part of me wonders whether I deliberately get myself into situations that I know won’t go anywhere. The situation I am in now is vaguely familiar. ‘Its not you, its me’ doesn’t ever really make you feel any better in these circumstances although maybe it stops you obsessing what it was about you. So I am not upset but I would say that I was disappointed I guess. For once I wasn’t all weird over the situation which seemed a good thing but at the same time, that didn’t stop me from looking forward to some degree. Which was obviously now quite premature. And then, there’s another part of me that wonders whether this is really for the best and may serve as some sort of closure to the ‘what if’ question that occasionally pops up. Who knows. I really don’t. They say everything happens for a reason – maybe I just haven’t figured out the right one yet.