Dating Don'ts?

From Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth to the copious amounts of Dr. Lurvs out there, is it any wonder that those who are not yet out of the dating game are just a little screwed up? Just like the diet culture, there is constant advice to do this or do that. Or don’t do this and do that. For those of us trying to play the boardgame of relationships, the board is free but we often find ourselves paying for the rules. And if we happen to ignore them or lose them, we end up paying again.

When it comes to relationships, no one wants to feel betrayed. We don’t want to be hurt, annoyed or offended and we don’t want to be unduly upset by our partners. It is a given that relationships take hard work and no one gets a completely smooth ride – or a free one – but I think there is potential for a lot of heartache to be avoided. We are all quick to judge and criticize our ‘dates’ but how many of us actually look at our own behaviour and have a list of ‘do’s and don’ts’ that we try to practice?

I think to most of us, some things would seem rather self-evident at first. For example, a lot of people consider someone whingeing about their ex for an entire hour to be a turn off. Likewise when someone talks only about themselves and how successful they are, yet the affliction is common. I can give you a list of my own pet peeves such as people who say they’ll call when they don’t mean it and people who lie, but they are symptoms of a larger problem. It’s the attitude as much as the behaviour that most of us have been guilty of at some time.

In my opinion, the biggest ‘don’t’ of dating and relationships is bringing negativity into them. Its not the kiss of death of ordering spaghetti at dinner and then getting it all over you (although that never goes down well) but the many other small ways that a lack of consideration affects how someone sees you. These can manifest in any number of ways but none are welcome and all make either one or both feel bad. Its an old saying but its true – treat others as you wish to be treated. So in all your relationships, don’t bring:

Vindictiveness, dishonesty, discord, pride, hate, faultfinding, envy, jealousy, disrespect, lies, impatience, discouragement, selfishness, contention & unforgiving etc.

No one wants to go out with someone who believes they’re better, smarter, wiser, stronger, faster, sneakier, funnier and just plain ‘more’ than you. It can really ruin your whole day!

Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew?

I recently found a list entitled ‘25 rules that guys wish women knew’. I’m not entirely positive that they were actually written by a guy but they were nevertheless criticisms of women that I had heard before. So I thought that in the interest of communication and education between the sexes I would share a few with you. And my thoughts on the point in question. Just in case you were interested.

So to start with, I may as well begin with the first two…
1. Crying is blackmail.
Yes. We know. Your point?
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
Apparently. But please note here that if guy’s expect this, I think they should lose the right to bitch so much about nagging as ‘asking’ doesn’t always work either.

Then we come down to this couple…
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Well I think some women live in hope that expressing consideration over their appearance may rub off. Guys, anything you wear that you claim you’re comfortable in is not always fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
Hmm, well when you can find all the erogenous zones on a partner’s body you may bring up this point again.

And no post is complete without a little toilet humour…
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.
Since you had to put it up in the first place, finish what you started.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
Then learn what a sponge looks like or rediscover the many uses for toilet paper.

After that we come to these gems..
14. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers.
Perhaps, but grunting is never an acceptable answer and is quite frankly a stupid response to an open-ended question.
18. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
If you don’t act like decent human beings when we have our clothes on, don’t expect us to take them off.

Of course, there is also the stupid…
20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Should this even be dignified with a response? Although along a similar vein I’d have to say that you guys have no right to expect that we give up our male friends. If you can’t trust in the relationship, then you’d better have a good think about it.

And then last but not least…
25. Nothing says “I love you” like sex.
Yep. And nothing says “I hate you” like a kick in the teeth but I’d have to say that I’d still prefer being told verbally any day of the week.

So I hope that a few of those rules have helped you women out there figure out where it is that you’re going wrong. I know I felt enlightened after reading the list. Entertained as well, but there you go.

The Men They Are A Changin'

What do men want? This is a question that, believe it or not, a lot of women do ask. And just like its parallel, which men have been asking for centuries, the answers are still elusive. What it all seems to boil down to is someone who fulfils them and with whom they are able to share a life and / or family with. Someone who makes them feel good both emotionally and physically and someone they can relate to. Perhaps a more interesting question in the battle of the sexes today is however, how will they get it?

I recently read that with the advent of women in the workforce, the old male bastions have been crumbling and as a result, the restructuring of man’s role and function within society is still undergoing a shift. Basically, it would appear that women have been changing the rules. Women decided they would no longer accept the patriarchal attitudes of former generations. They are simply not interested in men who believe their partners should not aspire to the same levels as their male peers and should instead be satisfied with the roles of wife and mother.

This is not the only shift we have seen however. Not only do women want someone who will allow them to reach the goals traditionally reserved for men but they also want to be supported in this quest. They want their partners to recognise the achievement of maintaining both a home life and a business life and to be more in tune with them emotionally. Men once again were expected to change and as a result of this the Sensitive New Age Guy, or SNAG, was born. But like any work in progress it seems, this was merely a rough draft to be refined upon and improved.

Finding the stereotypical SNAG to be somewhat weak and unimpressive, women started calling for partners who were not just blokes but rather men. Masculine in appearance and demeanour but possessing a sense of style appealing to women in general. They wanted men who were both assertive and considerate and who took a real pride in their appearance. Due to this, men have been gradually coming up to bat, re-branding themselves as Metrosexuals. Initially seen widely as putting men in a weaker position, with the growing tolerance for the gay community, and more recently the success of the Fab 5, this ideal has become more and more acceptable.

Even now though, when Metrosexuals abound and SNAGs are almost a thing of the past, there are general whispers of the female population’s general dissatisfaction with the quality of single males out there. We hear stories of women being increasingly fickle in their selection of partners and can only wonder if, as a collective group, women are about to raise the bar yet again. For the past couple of decades, women have undoubtedly expected men to dance to their tune but perhaps we should all now be asking is this a case of necessity is the mother of invention or pride goeth before a fall?

The Art Of Conversation

Ok. It is a widely accepted fact that women in general love to talk. That really does not mean we are incapable of listening or that we don’t like to though. Whether or not we want to listen is an entirely different matter, just the same as it is for guys but seriously, is it that hard to speak up?

I have recently found myself experiencing the strong, silent type and I must say that they kinda weird me out. What starts off as a get-to-know-you chat soon becomes chatter as I run through my stories in a desperate attempt to make conversation. I happen to hate awkward silences. Comfortable ones amongst friends are great but having a date sit and stare at me isn’t.

My last experience of this was with a guy I had corresponded with via email and then later, over the phone. We decided to meet up but face-to-face, there was just no chemistry. At least not for me. I actually have no idea about him though because for a while, he sat there just looking at me with a smile on his face. He did tell me he liked listening to me (and looking at me obviously) but he didn’t seem interested in actually talking to me. I don’t get it.

At one point I mentioned that I felt I had done most of the talking. His response was ‘well you haven’t asked me anything’. Ok. Fair call I suppose. But in my opinion – I shouldn’t have to. Not the whole time. A conversation is where each party involved makes a contribution. For example, I tell a story and someone responds with one of their own, a comment about what I’ve said or a request for further information. In an ideal situation, they don’t just sit there watching me.

Now in my quest for answers, I have asked for people’s thoughts and some have suggested that I am intimidating, that guys are generally nervous and that sometimes people just don’t know what to say so they say nothing. In regards to the first, I possibly am although I try not to be. Beyond that I can’t do much. When it comes to the second, well this happens to everybody and it can work to your advantage unless you let it control you. But as for the third, my advice is to just open your mouth and go for it.

If you take the time to listen to someone, you should also be able to read their body language and see what they like talking about and what they don’t. If they are telling stories, they will likely be about friends, family, colleagues, pets or travel. You can possibly return with a similar one of your own or come up with an open-ended question that shows you are interested and have been listening. You could ask someone’s thoughts on a topic that interests you or you could always resort to 20 questions if you have to but please guys – say something!

Is Dating A Thing Of The Past?

Ladies and gentlemen, the art of flirting is not dead. It is I believe alive and well. The art of dating however, is another matter. It appears to have sadly fallen by the wayside.

Now I can on occasion trade sexual innuendo with the best of them and bat my eyelashes just as much as the next girl. Even though I am only an innocent young lady! But like others of my generation, I grew up watching lots of television shows too embarrassing now to mention and I want to know – where are the guys who ask girls out on dates?!?

I have been putting some thought into my so called ‘dating’ history and I now realise that I do use the term lightly. I have not once had a date pick me up at my place of residence with a bunch of flowers. I also haven’t had someone take me out to dinner in order to get to know me. Now some might say that I’m confusing ‘dating’ with perhaps ‘chivalry’ but as a romantic, I’m still looking for the whole package here and I haven’t seen much evidence of it around so far.

I’m talking about the anticipation you feel after someone has asked you out on an actual date (or maybe you asked them – I’m not trying to say that women should bear no responsibility). You spend time on the day or night getting ready to impress the other person and you go out to participate together in something that would not just have been part of your daily routine. Then there’s the magic when someone seeks to initiate and create romance by gesture or atmosphere. When it all feels special. And this actually goes for dates in general and not just the first one.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve just caught up, met up, hung out, veged out or bummed around with my previous boyfriends. Not to mention the times that I ‘saw’ them. That’s not to say that these were bad times, but just that I think I’ve missed out somehow. Today, its almost as if dating is the process by which you get to pass first base. If however, you can continually pass that without actually dating then going out on one is a bit like cramming after you’ve already taken the exam. Kinda pointless really. I can almost see a manual saying ‘At this time, dating should only be employed as a last resort tactic when ability to pass first base has been hampered...’.

I must admit I would be more than happy to be proved wrong on this count. Or perhaps for someone to point me in the right direction if I have in fact been looking the wrong way but till then, I think I’ll spend a moments silence to contemplate what I feel is surely a loss to us all.

Wrong Number...

Do you ever meet those people that are just wrong for you? Not in a bad way like they’ll give you emotional baggage later down the track but like you think they’d have a snowball's chance in hell of getting anywhere near you romantically? Well that was my wrong number. We did not light up the sky together. We didn’t even light a match. There was just…nothing. Every arrow pointed to No. And there were enough of them to be sure.

For instance, I can attest to the fact that you may not find it’s a match made in heaven when he waxes twice as much of himself as you. I think in any relationship where the guy spends way more time on his personal grooming habits than his partner there are bound to be issues.

One must also be wary when someone continually tells you how ‘hot’ they are. Sure, if you find them incredibly attractive then I say feel free to tell them that as much as you want but when they start telling you – begin to worry.

Call me shallow but it’s also a little hard to cultivate a strong attachment to someone who claims they would not even hold hands with a woman in public if she had any hail damage. And that’s 'cellulite' for all those not in the know, which can actually appear on women who are both slim and fit so maybe he really meant he wanted someone sixteen?

Another indicator that you are not meant to be is when you actually can’t contemplate doing any activity anywhere near each other. Even something that doesn’t involve them. For instance, I enjoy a good book and generally hold ‘reading’ as an interest. My wrong number really doesn’t see the point in reading anything without pictures. He’s obviously not the type to read Playboy for the articles.

Our music tastes were also so different it wasn’t funny and we never would have agreed on aesthetics or art. I have a sneaking suspicion that his idea of real pictures is something like chicks on bikes. Although maybe that’s not fair. I think he sees himself as a real classy type of guy so maybe that’s chicks on Porsches.

And last but not least, bringing the first date topic of conversation around to my ability to perform various sexual favours was a sure fire way of ending the evening out one way or another. Unfortunately for him, I don’t believe it was they way he would have preferred.

So I’ve chalked it all up to experience but thought I would share thoughts on my experience with you and hope you’ve experienced nothing like it. To be honest, I think I actually spent most of the evening with my tongue in my cheek. At the end of the day I was more amused than put out really, but I do live in hope that my next dating experience will be a bit more positive.

Introduction

So. I know that some of you have followed me through some of my recent trials and tribulations as I remain single in Sydney. Unfortunately, this is not exactly another story to tell you but, dag that I am, I have been doing a little research and I have lots of thoughts that I’d like to share with you. Well, with someone at least. Anyone? :-)

My curiosity was been piqued by the whole swag of options out there for dating, for relationships and just for ‘being’ in the meet (meat?) market. What it means to be single right now, what we go through, what is I’m sure familiar to most of you cause you are currently single or you were once before you joined the other team :-).

What I wanted to do here was to create a sort of forum to inspire discussion or comment. I figured this could either be fun or bomb in a very big way. Probably the latter knowing my luck. For myself though, it does offer me the opportunity to write about something I find interesting and I invite any and all comments or criticisms that you may come up with.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am female and I’m in my 20’s. Everything I write here will have that bias. I’ve tried to be fair but if I’m not – deal with it. I won’t apologise for my thoughts but I will say that I’m open to being educated if you think I’m wrong. Also, for those of you who have followed my emails more than…I don’t quite know what to call them – snapshots? - I will of course keep writing them when I (or someone else) does something that you may wish to laugh at. Till then, take care.

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