Never Say Never

In everyone’s life, there will come times where you no doubt go through what some people refer to as ‘never moments’. These are the moments when everything seems difficult and overpowering. When the situation seems to be going from bad to worse and nothing is working out right. Times when its all too hard and too much and there just appears to be no end in sight. Basically when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom and things will ‘never’ change. Its these moments that test us and which were the subject of a speech that I heard recently. Actually, I heard it twice, which would probably explain why it stuck with me. Apparently, when you’re in the midst of these ‘never moments’, you should never do the following:

Never let yourself be overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation. Many people are faced with immense obstacles to overcome in their life and they balk at the sheer size of what comes before them. Its often kind of hard to take a step back and take a second look but the size of something is largely to do with your perspective. When a burden is hard to bear, it is all too easy to keep your head down as you desperately try not to trip over but I have been assured that its just as important to lift your head up and take a look around as well. If nothing else, you won’t have to worry about a double chin while you’re doing it.

Another thing to be conscious of is to never give up too soon. When things are not going your way it can be way too tempting to take a step back and say I won’t beat my head against a brick wall today. I won’t put myself on the line again because I don’t believe it will get better. Apart from risking a self-fulfilling prophecy though, you could be missing out on something amazing. Life is in the details and is neither easy nor fair most of the time. Everything does change eventually however and there is a world full of possibilities out there. Just ask Alisa Camplin who won a bronze medal after returning to the snow (post knee reconstruction) little more than a month out from the Torino Games!

The next step is to never let yourself get isolated. I’ve known people (and I’m not immune to this one either), who like to withdraw when things get tough. In order to try and escape some of life’s slaps and catch our breath, we shut down, and whilst we manage to avoid the negative council that people with too much time on their hands sometimes offer, we miss out on all the good stuff too. We make things harder on ourselves by not being able to take advantage of the people who can really help. To remain connected however, we actually have a two-fold responsibility. We are not only responsible for letting others into our life and allowing them to come to know us but also for reaching out and being a presence in other people’s lives. Silence is unfortunately translated as a ‘don’t care’ and no one needs to hear that when the chips are down.

The final point that was made in the speech was that you should never accept a bad ending to your story. Only you get to decide where the commas and the full stops go in your life. In grammar, a comma represents a pause. It also indicates that the sentence is not yet finished and is yet to be completed. In life, a comma may represent the moment at which you take stock and things turn around. Bad stuff can certainly happen to you, no one is saying it won’t, but just because things get hard or times are difficult, that doesn’t mean the sentence will end there. That was probably the most meaningful point for me. We all have issues in life whether they be in our relationships or in other areas. If something is truly getting you down though, sometimes you have to listen to the advice of others and ‘never say never’. After all, as we all know, it definitely ain’t over till the fat lady sings.

Football Naked

For some people, leaving the house without their mobile phone will leave them feeling somewhat bereft. For other people however, arriving somewhere without the appropriate accoutrements will leave them feeling what one could only describe as naked. When attending a sporting match for example, many fans will demonstrate both their affiliation and support for the side they favour by wearing all the trappings associated with the team. Those unfortunate enough to forget their code paraphernalia however, are left in a sorry state indeed. They are as my friend would say, football naked.

This concept that is possibly new for some, is one of which I think people in the dating game may just want to remain aware. I say this because in my experience, being the opposite of football naked can be a great way to meet the opposite sex. Admittedly its probably easier for girls to meet guys but it does work the other way as well. And as misleading as the term may sound whilst accompanied by the picture above this post, to be football naked does not actually mean literally naked, or even figuratively for that matter, but rather unadorned by recognised merchandise.

Now a lot of experts maintain that the best way to meet a partner is to find a way of being around like-minded individuals. If you loathe sports with a passion or would never consider someone who voluntarily watched them, then turning up to a bar or a match wearing a football jersey would not be the way to go. If on the other hand, you do enjoy a bit of sport then showing your support may attract some positive attention. You may also be able to strike up a conversation. That is of course assuming that you’re not hanging around the rival camp with avid fans cause then you could be striking up something else entirely. There is just something about sport.

It is a widely acknowledged stereotype that men in Australia are completely obsessed with the phenomenon. It is also an acknowledged stereotype that women are not. I am aware that there are many guys out there who couldn’t give a toss about who was on top of the tables just as there are women who can wax lyrical on the topic but sport is about more than who is winning. Sports are about competition, camaraderie, membership and just getting up and having a go. Regardless of whether you know the intricate ins and outs of whatever sport you follow, many people find that interest attractive. Making that interest obvious can also give you the icebreaker you might need.

It is common practice for my friends to bring a football along to any live game they go and watch. This ball has also on occasion followed us to the pub afterwards and rather than being a burden, has actually gotten people chatting. My female friends wearing scarves or shirts have been the ones asked for final scores rather than males within the group and a cap, has previously attracted attention at the bar. I have recently read a forum on women versus sport whereby both sexes complained about how much males should or should not be watching (sport that is) but from my experience I’d have to say the two can co-exist nicely. So when I go out to a game, I don’t go football naked and when I go out afterwards, I don’t change first.

Pole Position

Well I’d have to say that in the seductive stakes, pole dancing is one of those things that seems to rate right up there. For years, many men have found it incredibly sexy and now more and more women are getting past the whole 'whore vs angel' thing to try it out. As one of the best abdominal and upper body workouts around, it has become one of the latest fads to hit the health scene and there are now schools in just about every capital city. From recent experience however, I can tell you that learning how to pole dance is probably one of the least sexiest things I have done in a long while and the way I ‘dance’ at the moment would definitely not be considered attractive.

Imagine if you will a room full of women strutting around silver poles in the terribly fashionable attire of running gear and stilettos. Intense concentration on their face as they coordinate inside leg then outside leg, and sneak glances at what everyone else is doing to make sure they’re not the only one who feels like a fish out of water. Picture chaos when everyone seemingly hurls their upper body into a rigid object, legs flailing, clangs resounding and choruses of laughter and pain ringing out amongst the group. Then see them get up and do it again, worrying that this time it might be worse and overcompensating because of it.

Its actually pretty funny to watch. And it does get better. What initially may have seemed impossible the first time it was tried, eventually clicks and the end result does look quite impressive. As you learn more and more ‘tricks’, both coordination and confidence increase, as does stamina. The concern that this time you really are going to somehow fall off the pole also dissipates and you no longer constantly end up in the strangest contortions of arms and legs which more often than not, are also decidedly uncomfortable. At this point however you may still need to deal with various injuries.

For most women, pole dancing will utilise muscles that rarely get a good workout in day-to-day life. For me (since taking up this activity came after months of inactivity) it was my forearms and my chest that were in agony after the first lesson. This made the task of pulling on my pants and taking off t-shirts somewhat difficult. Kind of inconvenient really when you think about it, not to mention the fact that I looked like a git whilst attempting to manage it. That went away after the first week though and since then I have been dealing with the rug burn (we practice over carpet) and the almighty bruise I scored on my knee.

All in all though, I have managed to master a few moves and I’m having a lot of fun. Even if I am a little black and blue in places and have seriously considered avoiding underwire for future classes, I think I would no longer completely embarrass myself in public, which is good. At times each lesson seems an exercise in dodging self inflicted pain and not kicking my classmates in the head accidentally but they just might make a polestar out of me yet. And since a number of guys seem to like that sort of thing, it might just help now mightn’t it?

Sam And The City

Oh my gosh! ‘Finally the very first Aussie dating blog hits the airwaves’. Who would’ve guessed? Quite surprising really that no one thought of it before now. Especially someone living in Sydney. But now we have Sam Brett of the ‘Luv ‘n txt’ fame to fill the void. I’d not actually heard of her before last week but she’s had a book published so she must be the woman for the job. And with her name and image providing the cute homage to Candace Bushnell’s Sex And The City, I’m sure the management at SMH are expecting this to be a successful venture.

So ok, that was a little bit sarcastic cause I obviously feel that she has slightly less right to the title than say I would (although I’m really not sure that one normally describes a blog as hitting the airwaves). To be honest, I’m probably not the first to post continually on dating either but I have been doing it for longer than a week and a half. As far as I’m concerned however, she is welcome to the title. She is also welcome to coming up with daily topics, which I for one can attest, is somewhat harder than it looks. It is perhaps also a little ambitious as even the other columns I have read are only weekly.

So far though (amongst other topics), Sam has found things to say on blondes vs brunettes, whether to text or talk, and whether men should be expected to pay. She has also called Cassanova the ‘great irascible Italian lover’, which I found rather curious within itself, and has inspired a string of comments that are rather enlightening all on their own. In fact, some of them are hilarious. A number of people have responded genuinely to the questions posed but there are also those that I can only assume have created an alternate identity to, in good Aussie fashion, completely take the piss.

Despite the desire by some to use this forum for a laugh however, it is interesting to read what serious posters have to say as well. It seems that many of us singletons out there have the same dilemmas and issues as each other. We are all still trying to do our best to navigate the dating world that can be as treacherous as it is rewarding and no one has the answers. So what are we supposed to do now some might ask? Well, if you read as much as I do, you might see something that makes you think twice, if you talk to people, you might hear something that makes a difference and if you continue to take one day at a time, hopefully you’ll grow from your experiences and find something you want.

As for Sam and the City, who knows where they(?) will end up. I know it all starts out well in the beginning when you’re really inspired and then you hit the point at which you go ‘Oh crap! What do I say next?’. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way, hopefully the column will keep going and just maybe, it might prove inspiring.

Killing The Death Vow

It recently came to my notice that there is apparently a rising trend in non-traditional wedding vows. Couples by the dozen are now removing the ‘till death do us part’ promise and replacing it with various alternatives. For some, the decision stems from a preference to not mention something as depressing as death in a wedding ceremony. For others however, it’s the desire to promise something a little less permanent. As the divorce rate skyrockets, and society’s attitude towards marriage relaxes, it seems some people are having more realistic expectations. Either that or they’re getting the back door ready nice and early.

Just as the notion to ‘honour and obey’ became a bit too onerous and outdated for some, so too did the concept of committing to everlasting love, or at least a physical manifestation thereof. Now affianced couples are promising to be ‘loyal as long as our love shall last’ or to stay together ‘for as long as our marriage shall serve the greatest good’. There are also those who promise to stick around ‘until our time together is over’, which, excuse me if I’m wrong, sounds like there wasn’t actually much love there in the first place. So is forever after really on the way out?

Champions of the modern approach to wedding vows claim that replacing part of the traditional text does not mean that people are taking marriage less seriously. Many believe that it’s a more personal form of expression that helps make a ceremony feel special and individual. Others however, hold that given the high level of divorce, making realistic promises within a church or legal ceremony could be advantageous further down the track. Knowing that you’ve failed in a marriage is tough, knowing that you’ve broken a vow that you pledged on your honour to keep is tougher.

It has been argued that this almost reluctant approach to the idea of happily every after could actually result in a self-fulfilling prophesy. You might just get what you expect if you only have limited expectations after all. As people today replace the unconditional with what one might consider a loophole, it almost seems as though they are implying that they will not be there if the going gets rough. Which I am told at some stage, it inevitably does. Its not all doom and gloom though.

Although there are definitely those who appear somewhat pessimistic about the prospects of their union, they remain the exception to the rule and the rest of us are still entering into marriage at least hoping that it lasts forever. The original text often does prevail and occasionally is forsaken for something that might be considered as applying beyond the mortal realm such as ‘for all the days of our lives in this world and the next’. This would I think indicate a devoted love that should be there for the long haul and whether you would choose this line or not, I think most of us do hope we’ll find that.

Gainfully Employed

Some of my friends knew what they wanted to be in primary school. Some of them figured it out a little later in life and others haven’t quite finished figuring it out yet. I personally would fit in the latter category, as I still haven’t decided what I want to be when I grow up. This does make it a little difficult however as I once again find myself at some crossroads, needing to apply for something lest I find myself unemployed again. And whilst I am aware that I neither want nor am realistically able to be a rocket scientist or a rock star, the possibilities do seem rather endless.

There are a number of jobs for which I am technically qualified and others for which one might argue that I possessed relevant experience. There are also the jobs that sound kind of cool in theory but are ones for which I really show no natural inclination whatsoever. These are usually jobs for which there is not really any formal training available but also ones that not many people can do well. The following for example are career opportunities that due to a lack of, well, something, I probably won’t be pursuing:

Wingwoman: This is the woman that acts as a male’s platonic friend and becomes the bridge between him and the object of his attention. Whether you’re Mr Cool or a bumbling fool, the theory behind the wingwoman is that men are more appealing if it appears that other women want to hang out with them and that women are far more open to being approached by another female who is ‘mingling’ than a guy on the pull.

Matchmaker: This is the person that, as the job title would suggest, actually makes matches. This person identifies people that they believe might suit each other and facilitates a meeting in the hope that a relationship ensues. I imagine that this type of role would be rather rewarding, that is of course unless you were completely crap at it.

Escort: In the totally non-hooker sense of the word, this woman is the stunning, talented and entertaining companion of choice to impress associates and on-lookers. A professional girlfriend of sorts, she saves people from going solo to “and partner” engagements and provides an example of her date’s superior taste in women. This role requires witty repartee up the wazoo I believe.

Hostess: This is the woman who’s job it is to be the eye-candy, adept conversationalist and all-round schmoozer. The professional wife if you will, she can organise a black tie event standing on her head and is everyone’s friend without being over the top. She can put anyone at ease and is sort of like an EA in an evening dress. The sort of woman you might love to hate if you didn’t actually want to be her.

Each of these roles I’m sure would have various perks associated with them however I do believe that I am not cut out for the relationship business. Since I occasionally find it difficult to make conversation with those I have nothing in common with, my wardrobe would definitely be considered deficient and I don’t have an address book full of A-list contacts I’m pretty sure I won’t be making my mark on the world this way. So I guess its back to the drawing board for the next paving stone in the career path - fingers crossed it’s a good one.

Black Heart Day

For some of you, today might have been filled with flowers and chocolates and sweet nothings and all of the other things that Valentines day is, so we’re told, supposed to be filled with. For others it may be considered the Black Heart Day, on which one should either celebrate their single state, rejoicing in the fact that this ‘insipid and clichéd’ holiday is not for them, or boycott all gestures that might appear trite and schmaltzy with a passion. There are also people both in love and out of it who don’t really give a toss either way (that would be me today) but when I stumbled on the Black Hearts Party homepage earlier, it did intrigue me.

Sick and tired of the phony, contrived, synthetic and unnatural side of love portrayed by Celine Dion listening, Julia Roberts watching, Meg Ryan worshiping devotees of Hallmark (their words, although not in that order), a group of friends decided to host an invitation only Black Heart party. A party at which one wore black things, drank black things, ate black things, saw black things and it seems generally behaved in a way that was possibly not conducive to finding and/or keeping the love of your life. This party has since become an annual event however, growing rather dramatically in size, and the organisers themselves have indeed formed their own ‘party’ complete with homepage and manifesto.

This site tells of their somewhat humble beginnings, identifying like-minded individuals who also felt resentful of the cookie-cutter ideal foisted upon us by mass marketing campaigns. It expressed their smoldering discontent (and indeed contempt) for the idea that out of 883 million people, everybody has ‘the one’ single person who is their perfect equal and match. Laughing at the notion that with this soul mate it would be possible to have ‘true love which requires no effort, patience or compromise, is instantly recognizable, perpetually devoid of temptation and distraction, and never falters or loses momentum’. They do point out that its not that they don’t believe in love or value it, its merely that this flagship holiday has, in their opinion, nothing to do with it.

According to the authors, love is hard, awkward and at times somewhat humiliating. It is also apparently the cat’s f’ing madras slacks but they don’t see that it requires a national frenzy of spending that causes many to feel resentful, miserable and lonely. The idea that an ‘arbitrary, artificial holiday should serve as the official manifestation of love between all types of people everywhere’ and that ‘those countless varieties of people, in all their diversity should conform to present behaviours and activities when demonstrating their love on this day, which, coincidentally enough, is also the same way the executives at Hallmark and the Disney Corporation think’, is extremely distasteful.

All in all, it sounds as though it started off as a laugh and kept on going. I thought the site was amusing and the idea definitely entertained me. I don’t hate Valentines day and I’m not personally bagging those who enjoy it but I felt like writing about this cause I thought it was kinda cool. I must apologise however if I have somewhat bastardised the message on the site. On the other hand though, perhaps they really wouldn’t care.

Memory Almost Full

As I am not one of those people who often conducts conversations via SMS, my phone does not frequently run out of space to store all sent and received messages. Run out of space it does though, about every three months, at which time I am prompted to delete some of the texts lest they be deleted indiscriminately for me when new ones arrive. This task can be both awkward and enlightening as I see a portion of my life seemingly flash before me eyes. Ghosts of the past and kindred spirits compete for space in my thoughts, returning me to times both long forgotten and in the case of some, best left behind.

Moving through New Years then Christmas and back towards my birthday, I find the somewhat random messages from people for whom I probably exist on a contact list for mass messages. I am wished a no doubt drunken Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year by people I met in a bar once and also by those I long assumed had written me off and culled my existence in their personal database. Some SMSs around mid October that wish me a Happy Birthday are sent by those for whom I am probably just a memo in their phone or those who are guilty of previously not returning phone calls. Granted, this is not always the case for the well wishes received but they are at times curious. And then there are the other messages.

In amongst the ‘where are you’, ‘I’m running late’ and ‘can you bring something’ missives, there were the texts that often take place in a fledgling relationship. The flirty suggestions worded to provide double entendres and the arrangements to meet up for a date. The kind of communication that probably wouldn’t take place verbally but exists as a product of the distance that SMS provides the user. Going back through messages to delete them however, I first arrived at the end of the affair, where neither party wanted to be a part of what wasn’t working, before I reached the beginning.

In addition to these, some texts I came to had been saved for one reason or another. For entertainment, information, sentimentality and perhaps also for proof, these were also somehow indicative of what my past year in fact had held for me. A birth, a joke, an address, a reminder and other events that were deemed significant and for which it seemed worth having a reference at the time. I am pleased to say though that in the spirit of a new beginning in the new year, I deleted all the messages that served no practical use and my phone is now a clean slate. Isn’t it a pity that life is sometimes not that easy?