What Would Richard Say

Have you ever caught yourself engrossed in front of the television, listening to David Attenborough talk about the wonders of the natural world? I swear his voice is hypnotic and I’m not at all sure it really matters what he actually says. He commands your attention however as he illuminates the mating habits of the Lemurs or some such creature in that terribly British way of his, and you find yourself enraptured (or perhaps held captive) for far longer than you would have intended. Have you ever wondered what a disinterested party might make of our mating habits? Perhaps in an alternate universe, some being with a following akin to good old Dick will be talking about…

…The bizarre mating rituals of the humans. Although possessing both a male and a female sex, these creatures will come together in every combination possible. By far the most prominent however, is the pair that facilitates procreation. And in order to progress to this occasion, there are a wide variety of rituals that may be observed. One of the most unusual is that of the ‘night club’. Here, individuals looking to find a partner will spend time in a dark, noisy and confined space. Often, they will also consume substances which ensure that not only their physical means of judgement are impaired, but also their intellectual and emotional ones...

Quite possibly their sentences would be more succinct. Precisely capturing the subject in which they wished to educate their audience. They would clearly support the images however, of men and women buzzing around like bees with no practical effect whatsoever. From time to time it may also appear that the subjects in question were going through some physical trial involving spasmodic movement. But the recitation would be delivered calmly with just a hint of avid fascination that inspired both awe and continued attention from the audience. They would then embark on the journey that followed the path of…

…Two individuals who have noticed each other. In this situation it is acceptable for either the male or the female to approach first. In the females case, she is best appearing initially at a distance. This enables the male to identify her as non-threatening. She is also best served by approaching from the side rather than head on for the same reason. Once the approach has been made both parties must display clusters of mating behaviour for the meeting to be successful. This broadcasts their interest and warns off competition that may impede a successful outcome...

Don’t you think? I can see that it might be possible to have an absolute field day if all you could do was observe and you didn’t really have much of a context. Actually, I think some of it is kind of weird even when you do know what is going on so to speak. It is kind of interesting when you start reading what some ‘experts’ have to say on the topic. I’m still pretty clueless on the whole but maybe one day I’ll actually know what I’m talking about. Then again, maybe not.