Why Are You Still Single

So today boys and girls, we come to the question of ‘Why are you still single?’. And I happen to know why I am still single. I asked that bastion of all knowledge, the internet to tell me and like a good little puppy, it went and fetched the information. Apparently I am ‘wounded and withdrawn’. I’m not quite sure on the how or why but there it is. After answering ten somewhat inane multiple choice questions, with equally inane options, the verdict is that I am in a pattern of denial and I need to break out to find the love that I deserve. I need to learn that ‘love kicks in when we are vulnerable with each other’ and ‘that’s not pathetic, that’s just human’.

So in my future, I must be wary of my fear of intimacy. I need to be conscious of not choosing a commitment-phobe or someone I don’t respect (and therefore to whom I won’t become attached). I also need to not hide out in a career or other interest and to find the confidence to know that no matter what, I’ll be OK. And that’s why I am still single. But why are you single? Well browsing around the net looking for enlightenment, you can’t help but notice that there are literally thousands upon thousands of profiles from people who are searching. And despite the fact that there are testimonies from people who swear by the net as a means to find love, there are some who will never reach that elusive goal. This may give you a clue as to why.

You are illiterate. Well obviously if you have managed to get a profile up on the web you have some semblance of the written word and the Latin alphabet but if you are trying to make a favourable impression with text, something jus2pleezu might not do it. Of course, you could try SHOUTING AT YOUR AUDIENCE BUT THAT IS JUST ANNOYING as well. If your goign to write a few sentinces for there information, I would suggest that you brush up on your grammar first though. And your spelling - especially if you claim to be educated. And if you can’t see any problems in the above paragraph, many word programs have both spelling and grammar checks in them. Learn to use them.

You do not look attractive. Now before you get offended, I am not talking about being ‘good looking’ or being a top contender in the six-pack stakes. I am talking about what we can see in your photo. Or what we can’t. I want to see your eyes, not your choice in sunglasses. I want to see you sober and without the bottles of whatever you drank the night before in the background. That’s the thing with photos. The camera captures whatever it sees, not just what you want it to see. It does help if you learn to get it in focus though. I don’t particularly want to see a self-portrait you took in your bathroom mirror and I’d like to see you in clothes you would go out in. You don’t have to look dressed up but it’d be nice if you weren’t showing off your faded wife beater.

You lack manners. This is another one that sounds easy but apparently is not. There is a time and a place for everything and in the profile you (I assume) wish to use to attract the opposite sex, you do not need to swear, complain about your life, bitch about your ex, tell me your friends are all idiots, let me know if you’re well hung, convert me to your religion, recount your sexual past, refer to other women of your acquaintance as sluts, explain how you fixed the leak in your shower, inform me you currently have a post-viral condition or give me your entire life history. Honesty is a good thing. Being tactless, tasteless or otherwise trying is not. Whats the difference? Think about why you’re writing the profile and then what you would feel comfortable telling a stranger on the street. If you can honestly answer all of the above then good luck to you.

So theres my handy hints. In all honesty, I did pinch some of the above from something I read a while back but basically because as I was reading it I was thinking ‘yes, Yes, YES! I totally know what you mean!’. I still feel it is a real pity that some people don’t.