Jamtext

Have you ever had the experience where you’ve pulled up at the lights or are crawling along slowly in traffic and you look over to see an extremely attractive driver in the car next to you? Have you ever thought I wish I could just catch their attention and say hi? Well if you can hold your horses for a bit, it may actually be possible. In both the States and some parts of Europe, the phenomenon of Jamtexting is already taking off and this has to be one of the weirdest things I’ve heard all week.

Apparently the idea is that motorists can register free, submitting their number plate and mobile phone details. They are then given a number to which they can send messages and if the intended recipients are also members then the messages will be forwarded on. If on the other hand a recipient is not a member, their message will be stored indefinitely and revealed to them should they eventually choose to join. So this all sounds great in theory. Its yet another way for us singles to hook up in our increasingly frenetic lifestyles but I do wonder if its all its cracked up to be.

For starters, its obvious that if the object of your attention is either unregistered or uninterested then you’ve wasted your money. Its not like other dating services where you may be guaranteed to actually meet people or where it is likely that you’ll get some sort of response if you initiate contact. You are also, technically, unable to be sure that people are driving their own cars (although if they are that may be a deciding factor for you) or that they will receive the message in the very near future. You do I suppose get to see people in the flesh so to speak, rather than going off of a photo first but there are other things to consider.

Jamtexting is the sort of thing that could be seen as hip and fun and it is definitely a novel approach to the dating game at the moment. I can definitely think of better things however, than numerous drivers dividing their attention between actually driving a car and checking out the talent on the road. And spotting the driver is the easy part. Once you have actually identified someone you’d like to make contact with, you then have to find a way to see their numberplate which may be easier said than done. You may quite literally have to pursue someone, which in turn may actually create other issues.

Ignoring the possible dangers of weaving in and out of traffic to catch another car (and the idea that this is ok), you will have to find a way of noting down their numberplate, because odds on, you are not someone with a photographic memory. Whether this is on your actual mobile or on a piece of paper, it takes your attention from the road, as does sending an sms if you choose to strike while your iron is hot. As we all know, mobile phones and drivers have never been a match made in heaven so this new gimmick could add up to accidents waiting to happen. It sure does give new meaning to hitting on someone though.

Slang It To Me Baby

If you are currently dating more than one person but trying to convince your dates that you are not, then you might be engaging in a bit of hedging. If you are letting someone repeatedly walk all over you then it could be considered that you have turned into a welcome mat. If you prefer being older than your partner but have trouble finding people remotely close to your own age then you will possibly be referred to as one who likes to rob the cradle and if you are not above treading over someone else’s ground, then you could be out cutting grass.

This last euphemism is probably the most recent addition in my lexicon of relationship language and so I thought, why not put it here? It is apparently the term you use to describe the actions of someone pursuing another who is not actually single. The theory behind this, so I’m told, is that if you are in a relationship, your partner should be considered your own private Garden of Eden. Their affections are therefore in effect, part of your ‘turf’ and if someone else is taking pieces of that with them when they trespass, they are definitely cutting (your) grass. I don’t think it would surprise you to know that I heard this from a guy.

Regardless of whether you have heard (or used) any of the above phrases though, it is likely that you will have used some form of colloquial expression whilst discussing relationships. There is definitely a large variety of slang out there, which seems to serve a number of purposes. When I was in high school, it was cool to dish on who was getting on and or off with whom. It was almost like we’d adopted a secret code that we felt must be unique to our peer group. Something that proved we were on the inside of any circle when we could use it in conversation and that would be reasonably incomprehensible to our parents, which on occasion, it probably was.

Now that we have grown up somewhat, a few of the words and expressions have been replaced but apparently not the need for them. Its still cool to know the current lingo and you only need to flick on Big Brother Uncut to see that language is constantly being updated. You can also see that this occasionally oblique speak is also used to make some things sound better than they are. I mean how many times do people trot out platitudes as if uttering one will be the pinnacle of any conversation? You don’t know what you want? Well the only way to find out is to play the field a little. You’ve been rather unlucky in love? Well then theres plenty more fish in the sea…

But it all comes out in the wash really doesn’t it? Especially if someone throws the fish cliche at you. My favourite reply to that is to say - yeah, mullets and gropers.

The Naked Husband

After having reread The Bride Stripped Bare, I decided it was probably fitting to follow it with The Naked Husband. At the time this came out, it was billed as the male’s right of reply and although somewhat different in style, is just as honest and blunt about some very personal feelings. This somewhat autobiographical account of the author’s life makes no excuses for the emotions and actions included within, but seeks to explore what happens when relationships break down. When the choices you are faced with are perhaps neither wanted nor ideal.

In this title, fidelity is once again a central issue. There is a bit more discussion however on the impact that this has on the relationships involved and not merely on the individual. I think I found this easier to read but I’m not sure whether that was due to the distance perceived whilst reading a man’s perspective or because we only enter the characters lives after years of marriage (not something I have experience with). Either way, there were still a few things that really stuck out for me in this novel.

The first was the comment by the author that women fake orgasms but men fake relationships. In his own experience, the author found that he became at times only a ghost of himself with his wife. He thought he knew who she was and what she wanted and so went through the motions of having the relationship, being true to neither it nor himself. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t care but perhaps that he didn’t care enough. The idea that someone might marry because it seems something they should do in life is not really attractive. Its not really the sort of thing that imbues you with confidence either.

The other thing that interested me was the feelings of guilt expressed by the author causing him to stay in his marriage for so long. At the same time as we see the divorce rate skyrocketing, I think we also see people who stay together for longer than they should because they feel it is their due. And I’m not talking here about people who are still trying to work things out or those who have decided that they will compromise for children or some other factor but those who have given up and still remain to ‘save’ the other. When one side still loves and the other says I’ve taken too much, it would be unfair to leave.

There is definitely a difference between loving and being in love and just because you are no longer in love does not mean that you don’t care. This still caring however also seems to translate into people maintaining relationships to avoid hurt and confrontation. More often than not though, these relationships eventually disintegrate anyway, leaving both parties dreadfully unhappy. Why is it that we can understand this but still think that it is the best course? Perhaps it is that people are more afraid of change and of it not getting better after being worse. Whatever you think, The Naked Husband does raise some interesting questions. Just like us, the author doesn’t have all the answers in life but maybe it is the attempt at getting them, which is truly important.

The Bride Stripped Bare

I have recently finished re-reading The Bride Stripped Bare, as I have wanted to visit this work again for a while now. And I must say, I think I found the novel as disturbing in places as I did last time. At the same time however, I should also say that I saw several parts of it somewhat differently. It still bothers me that I can see myself in some of the aspects of the book that I consider to be unflattering but I can no longer identify with the main character to the same extent as I did before. Distance has not in this case made the heart grow fonder but instead has offered a new perspective.

This time I can see more of the love, consideration and compromise provided by the protagonist. I am also not as offended by her marriage and the way she lives within it. She seems this time less selfish, bitchy and deceitful than she did before as perhaps the shades of grey have come to surface over the black and the white. I still don’t agree with some of her decisions and rationalisations however. Infidelity is not something I approve of or take lightly and I think she invited a lot of the problems she encountered with a wide welcome as opposed to inadvertently causing them. Things are of course, rarely seen with any objectivity from inside a situation.

I can definitely understand why the author wanted to publish under the pseudonym of anonymous. Although fictional for the most part, this unvarnished account of a woman inside a relationship is occasionally brutally honest and shows perhaps how easy some women find it to say one thing and think another. How a woman might choose to be what you want her to be without really being who she is and how a woman could endure a partner as he is whilst wishing he were something else entirely. No one wants to merely settle for someone else or to believe that someone has settled for them and I think its scary to realise that you might not know until its too late.

On the other hand, it may sound corny but I find this book as beautiful in places as I find it sad and haunting. Its short sentences and chapters are often poetic and simple. The words giving voice to thoughts and feelings some women wouldn’t dare to talk about and the images resonating with those of us who have ever wondered about our relationships. I think it illustrates the struggle a lot of women have trying to identify themselves as wife, mistress and mother and how some women seem to lose themselves in the process occasionally. It’s a bit frightening to think that you might end up looking at your life and being resigned to the fact that it is as good as its going to get. Its also nice however to think that if you can communicate, happiness is there for the taking.

Deathmatch Dating

When you’re getting no love from the dating world, there is a sort of perverse pleasure in hearing about other people’s misfortunes. I know some of my friends delight in my various trials (some of which I can’t really publish here in all fairness) and I myself am no stranger to this voyeuristic desire either. I like to believe that there are people out there worse off than me (so I’m not actually sitting at the bottom of a figurative heap I’m never going to get out of) and that I am not merely a dating disaster waiting to happen. It’s also somewhat comforting to think that I am in fact normal.

And in the way of things when I was recently sharing some previous experiences, I was introduced via email to the concept of Deathmatch Dating. As is so often the case it seems, one bad date is always followed by another. For some of us, things truly go from bad to worse and we wonder what on Earth we’ve done (in this life or even a previous one) to deserve our current situation or how the hell we actually managed to get here in the first place. When it comes to this, all you can do is either laugh or cry. Or as a couple of guys did, start a competition, the winner being he who has supplied the worst date story by the end of the year.

I’m sure I wasn’t really supposed to end up with some of these stories so I can neither share them nor reply to the author. I can’t tell him I thought they were absolutely hilarious or that he has a real way with words but I can say that the following was one of the best metaphors for a dead-end date that I have ever heard: Well not much to report really. When you throw one of those headache tablets into the glass of water you're really looking for a bit of fizz, even if it is powdery. If it doesn't fizz, you end up having to gulp down a hideous tasting concoction and hoping it takes the pain away.

I can also say that I loved his response to the repeated questions of whether a potential relationship actually had a future. His gut reaction was something along the lines of ‘Hell No’ and he felt that in a perfect world, a fitting reply could quite possibly be "This is your pilot speaking. We will be landing in Dumpsville-on-Neverwereactuallytogetheranyfreakinway shortly. Your connecting flight to Anywhere The Hell Away From Me will be departing almost immediately from Gate 12. However, if you miss it, there will be flights leaving EVERY 30 SECONDS thereafter. Your luggage...err...BAGGAGE will be forwarded. This flight will be refuelling immediately and returning to My Life Without You as soon as possible, so please make sure you take all your belongings out of the overhead lockers and remove all my numbers from your mobile phone SIM before disembarking. I thank you for flying Air *. Oh by the way your membership of the exclusive * Frequent Flyers Club has been revoked. Forever.".

Sure, I wouldn’t be that keen to have it said to me but you’ve got to admit, if you’re not on the receiving end it is kind of funny. So to the author may I just say I wish you the all the best in your Deathmatch Dating (however 'best' may be achieved) and you rock man.

Love Is(nt) Blind

Well I’m sure everyone would be delighted to know that the latest event in my (non-existent) love life was that I went on a blind date. A real one this time. As in not one where I had seemingly found someone to meet up with of my own accord. This time it wasn't someone I had 'met' over the Internet or from a wrong number. No, this time I was set up by someone else. Someone I know had a friend who was single and since that person was single and I was single (what a fortuitous coincidence!), why not hook us up?

And why not indeed I thought. Initially I knew close to buckleys about my prospective date, not having any other information to go on apart from his name and his age, but that meant I couldn't be disappointed right? After an introductory phone call it even seemed as though we might indeed have a lot in common but I’d have to say now that there is definitely a difference between the things you can talk about and the things you want to talk about. Just as there is a difference between what sounds like a good idea in theory and what doesn’t quite work out so well in practice.

Its needless to say right now I guess that this date wasn’t exactly the success of the century. That’s not to say it was bad though, because it wasn’t. At least in my opinion. To be honest, as far as first impressions go, I think I was pleasantly surprised at first. There wasn't any glance-across-a-crowded-floor kind of gut feeling that whispers this one and I didn’t get a he-has-a-smile-that-just-makes-me-want-to-jump-him type of reaction but I’ve never had that with anyone else either. Once I'd actually met him however, there were several things I actually found quite attractive. There were also things I found odd.

You re-read books!?! Why?!?' he practically cried at one point. It seemed almost as if he believed this was a disastrous occurrence and perhaps as though it was a sign I was truly a crazed individual. I mean why would one do such a thing!? I tried to explain that I enjoyed reading and would re-read titles that I had enjoyed but he wasn’t having a bar of it. This is actually a progression for me though. One of my previous 'dates' wondered why I'd read books at all, this one just couldn't conceive that I'd would read them again. Voluntarily.

That did seem to be the only area of contention though, the rest of the conversation being made up of questions and answers innocuous enough to casually pad out the time between hello and goodbye. How best to say goodbye did actually result in a general feeling of awkwardness for me though as I never feel confident in these situations. If I was the kind of person who embraced people irrespective of their relationship to me then I probably wouldn't have had a problem but I thought if I even kiss him on the cheek, it’d probably look like I was making a move and I'd feel like an idiot. So I told him to take care and walked off - feeling like an idiot anyway. But at the end of the day, I did get a couple of things out the experience so it was all worthwhile.

Note to self: try to avoid going on any and all blind dates in the future.Additional note to self: if you wouldn't trust somebody with your secrets, don't trust them with your love life either.

What's My Line?

I was brought up to be courteous, considerate and compassionate towards others. My parents raised me to believe that there is no cause to inflict harm on someone else by word or by deed if they have done nothing overt to you. And I think I manage that for the most part. When strange hawkers on the street petition me, I think a simple ‘no thanks’ is sufficient and likewise if I’m ever confronted by unwanted attention from guys. On the whole, I think that this is probably a good way to be but it does have slight disadvantages.

Recently, when my friend was accosted in a pub, my first reaction was to push back not to incapacitate (which he fully deserved btw). I am also possessed of a rather dry sense of humour and enjoy sarcasm (even if it is the lowest form of wit) so there are some things I probably couldn’t bring myself to actually say. No matter how much I’d like to. Like the following comeback lines for instance:

I can’t believe that a gorgeous girl like you pass up the opportunity to have a drink with me. Try.

Where have you been all my life? Hiding from you.

Haven’t I seen you some place before? Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Is this seat empty? Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Your place or mine? Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

So, what do you do for a living? I’m a female impersonator.

Hey Baby, whats your sign? Do not enter.

Your body is a temple. Sorry, there are no services today.

I would go to the end of the world for you. Yes, but would you stay there?

Would you like to go on a date? I don’t date outside my own species.

I am the answer to your dreams. You have a feather duster, handcuffs and a donkey?

Hey, how about it? You and me…you know…together? I have a policy not to date anyone who didn’t or can’t pass high school English.

Would you like to sit on my face? Why, is your nose your longest appendage?

If I could see you naked, I’d die happy. If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

What's Your Line?

As far as most pick-up lines go, ‘I love your lips, they look so soft and kissable’ is rather tame but I would like to know what it was doing on a list of ‘surefire opening lines when meeting single women’. I think you’d need to be very sure of yourself if you were going to deliver that line. Either that or the person you were delivering it to would need to be very drunk. But maybe that’s just my opinion. Just as I think it wouldn’t be a winning strategy to tell a woman you love her hair and ask where she gets it done in the first two minutes. She might think you were gay.

So what lines do actually work? Well as I am sure you are all aware, there isn’t a clear-cut answer to that question (although there are some who believe otherwise). Occasionally, the most outrageous lines can be effective merely because it is unexpected that you would actually use them seriously. I can’t say I’d personally go for ‘is that a mirror in your pocket because I keep seeing myself in your pants’ but I would probably crack a smile. Likewise for a few of the corny lines out there. The first time I heard ‘was it love at first sight or should I walk past again’ I had to laugh.

There are numerous lines out there from the kitsch to the crude. I’ve heard a guy say ‘you’ve made my heart melt like hot fudge on a sundae’, and another use ‘you must work for Subway cause you’ve just given me a foot-long’ (thank God that wasn’t actually used on me though). I guess I have personally been picked up with ‘so, do you come here often’ but the guy knew it was a cliché before he said it and it was said kind of tongue-in-cheek. Does that make it better? So I’m not really sure where I’m going with this but I just thought I’d write about and have a laugh at a few pickup lines.

I think there’s actually a lot of good stuff out there. There are some lines that are clever and others that are quite funny. Of course the delivery is just as important as the line itself (if not more so), which just complicates the whole matter. But no one ever said life was easy did they? Relaxed humour is usually the best way to catch someone’s attention though and I recently overheard these, which I thought were amusing. ‘I don’t know what you think of me but I sure hope its x-rated’ and a line delivered as the girl was leaving, ‘Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?’, she: ‘What?’, him: ‘Me!’.

The Big 'O'

Well, just in case there was any confusion, achieving the female orgasm is apparently a bit of a no-brainer. And I mean that quite literally in fact. According to Gert Holstege from the University of Gronigen, scientific evidence has now shown that when a female achieves orgasm, there is a rather pronounced deactivation of the brain. So whilst women have been complaining that men are seemingly lacking in all cognitive processes during a state of arousal, it appears we’re not much better. Unless we’re faking it of course.

The new studies undertaken in the Netherlands (gotta love those Europeans) have shown that the cerebellum, which is linked largely to the control of movement, remains active but everything else it seems, shuts down. Women are apparently quite good at imitating orgasm but ‘in the brain, its not the same’. Similar sorts of things can be seen in the cerebellum we are told, ‘but the cortex, the conscious part of the brain, is also active’. In addition to this, the experiments have also shown what we have long believed to be true, that fear and anxiety will hamper ultimate sexual pleasure in women.

Unfortunately, the study does not appear to have revealed how to increase pleasure for those women who experience difficulties, nor does it shed any light on whether genes actually affect female sexuality. Current research has revealed however that the brain activity in areas involving emotion and also those of alertness and anxiety, fall quite dramatically when a female achieves orgasm. Activity does increase in sensory parts of the brain, but unless the woman is relaxed and free from stress and distractions, she will not reach fulfilment.

So is it really all in our heads? There are those who have suggested that female arousal is more a state of mind than a state of the body (ie. we must be in the mood) and that a woman can actually put herself in the mood if she so desires. There are also those who argue that biology is largely responsible for one’s pleasure or lack thereof and we don’t really get a lot of say in the matter. Whether you prescribe to the idea that women are merely riding the genetic coat tails of men in this area or not, new research can only help right? And it could even be fun, although according to Mr Holstege, he and his team ‘are neurologists, so [they’re] only interested in the brain’.

Practice Makes Perfect

They do say that practice makes perfect but I heard about a guy having a ‘practice date’ the other night and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. I mean practicing skills, technique or ability with someone willing is fine I guess. It does seem a little odd but whatever gets you there in the end I suppose. Using someone as practice however, does leave something to be desired. At least for the person who has been deemed the practice model.

I mean its not exactly flattering is it? Hello, I like you but not that much. You might be there with an open mind, asking yourself to consider the possibilities with someone, but you’re not aware that they’ve already decided. Before they went out with you. There seem to be a number of guys out there trying to tell women that all men are in fact not bastards but then we watch reality tv and hear stories like this and we wonder who’s fooling who?

Of course, one could argue that what you see and hear will often be somewhat sensationalist, as tales of morality and monogamy etc, frequently seem to fall under the heading of monotony. One could also say that there is a pretty prevalent impression of women in general being fickle and bitchy, which is not entirely without cause to some extent really, despite most of us saying we’re not as bad as we’re made out to be. So I’m not trying to say here that all women are hardly done by and its just not fair, but a practice date? Well, that is unfair actually.

Having said that though, I also know that a lot of relationships start out with the participants unconvinced of any real future but at the same time, unwilling to break away. I once asked a good friend how their first real date went and they replied, well, they’re nice but I dunno, they’re not the one or anything. The two are now living together quite happily as a defacto couple. So it is entirely possible that something can grow unexpectedly but it does help if you haven’t already decided it wont.

So what am I saying here? Well I guess I’m all for people getting out and having a go. I do think you need to learn how to be with someone. I think it is only a lucky few who fall into a relationship and experience smooth sailing but being in a relationship is not about purely thinking for yourself. The thing is that there is actually another person there too.