Weapons Of Mass Destruction

As a weapon, the uses are twofold. Responsible for inflicting pain, injuries and broken bones aplenty, they also represent power. Inspiring perhaps a certain degree of confidence from the owner and occasionally awe from those who get to bear witness. I know personally that when I have those extra seven inches, it helps me take on the world. Many a man has been brought to his knees by a nicely displayed set of pins and I see no reason not to take advantage when the situation calls for it. I’m talking here of course, about a pair of high heels.

They come in all shapes and sizes, styles and shades. Theres the sandal and the pump, be they open or closed, and now that winter is approaching, theres boots everywhere you look. Whether your footwear reaches your ankle, your calf or your knee (or even your thigh if you’re so inclined), for us girls, whats on the bottom definitely matters as much as whats on top. And one of my favourite accessories would have to be three and a half inches under each heel. Not that I need it but there are so many advantages.

My calves have more definition and the added height makes my legs look longer (and in theory thinner in a length to width ratio). My hips will tend to sway a little more which is supposedly sexy and hey, if I ever get abducted, I may be able to break off the outer casing of the heel and use the metal spike inside to really hurt someone. Either that or if I’m incarcerated in a third world prison, I may be able to use it to dig my way out. As I said, so many advantages.

Not only do they affect how you look on the outside, they also affect how you feel on the inside. When I go out for an evening and don the battle armour of a short skirt, a low-cut top and enough make-up (ok, I’m more likely to wear pants than a skirt and I don’t own that many low tops), I’m usually not thinking gee, I think I’ll go flat foot tonight. As far as I’m concerned, thongs are for the beach and sneakers are for exercise. And maybe for extended shopping trips.

Of course, anything that has its advantages, also has its disadvantages. Extensive wear will shorten your tendons and the increased pressure on the balls of your feet is damned uncomfortable after a while - and probably not that good for you either. Stilettos can be just about impossible to walk on and women heavily under the influence are an absolute menace. A misplaced step which smashes the business end of the heel into your instep is incredibly painful (as is twisting your ankle as you fall off the other end) and you're constantly susceptible to cracks in the pavement or uneven flooring. I wouldn’t have it any other way though.

Someone once said, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did only she did it backwards and in high heels and I say - you go girl!

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

In the Canberra Times this week, one of their Front Up columnists was writing about the fact that women often lament the lack of decent guys out there when there are actually plenty. Or rather the author was a little offended cause he was a nice guy (apparently he knows how to cook, clean and treat a girl with respect) and he feels that a select few are giving guys like him a bad name. Or something like that. I didn’t actually have a problem with anything he’d written and I think he did have a point but I just wanted to say tell me something I don’t know Mr Nice Guy.

I am aware that there are heaps of great guys out there. I am. I know there are guys who have been brought up knowing how to pull their fair share of the housework. I have met others who seem to have an innate sense of chivalry that gives me hope and I’m sure that guys are capable of feeling more for a woman than simply the desire to get her naked. What I don’t know, is how to meet them. Or where. Is there some great, untapped source smarter girls are keeping a secret from me?

I’ve heard guys say that while they’re quite happy to perve on a female who is scantily clad, they do not necessarily want to date her. Many people are also sick of the nightclub circuit and look for some sort of emotional connection (or at least a sign of intelligence) before they hook up with someone. In addition I have been told that some guys would find a woman reading in a café attractive but let me ask you this, how many guys would actually approach a female in this situation? I have always equated having my nose stuck in a book to having ‘bugger off’ tattooed on my forehead.

This may just have been my personal experience though. I may always have been in the wrong place at the wrong time but like so many other women, I’d really like to get everything ‘Right’ for once, including the Mr. It has been suggested that the way to meet potential dates is to seek out like minded individuals by doing something you actually enjoy. By joining a social club or enrolling in a course you put yourself in the path of others but is this really the best way?

Where is it that you find all the nice guys? How do you meet someone genuine who will mesh with you so well that you’ll swear you were made for each other? I guess everyone who’s out there searching is looking for the quick fix. We pursue those opportunities open to us that we’re comfortable pursuing and hope that we’ll meet ‘the one’. I read articles and talk to people as well, taking all their advice on board, but I must admit that I’m getting to the point where I think I’d appreciate something I could actually use. You know?

Bilbies, Bunnies, Eggs And Easter

On February 14th, you say it with flowers. At Easter however, you say it with chocolate. But what is it that you really want to say? Is it I was thinking of you and here’s a token of my appreciation that cost me two dollars from Target, or I think you’re fabulous and I want to spoil you rotten with a scrumptious assortment of goodies from a specialist? Or perhaps what you want to say falls somewhere in the middle but if you’re especially unlucky, you’ll also be wondering what on Earth you’ll be given in return.

Normally Easter is not such a big deal and many of you may not have even encountered this problem before but this time of year always reminds me of my friend Bob. We were walking through a department store one year when she expressed the problem of not knowing how much to spend on an Easter gift for a ‘friend’. It was particularly hilarious at the time however because she chose to express the problem thus: “What if he…” (confused face accompanied by small agitated hand movements similar to trying to squash a balloon), “what if I…” (confused and pained face accompanied by a much larger agitated hand movements). Ever articulate was my friend Bob.

She has never quite heard the end of this of course (and bear in mind, we were teenagers at the time so we’ve made good use of it since then) but I don’t believe that this issue is one that no one else has faced. At times of mutual gift exchanges (such as Easter), what kind of gesture should you make? Should you make a nice gesture or even a grand gesture towards someone you’re interested in or should you merely make a friendly one? Will you be mortally embarrassed if you feel you have gone ‘over the top’ or would you be unconcerned if you had offered a larger gift for little or nothing in return?

I’m talking here about feelings and egos rather than how generous you are with your wealth or lack thereof. Many of us are reticent about saying I like you or I really like you (let alone I love you), and no one wants to feel rejected. It can be a harsh blow to find out that your desire is not returned and some of us feel that it is better to play it safe rather than put yourself on the line. Some people see giving gifts as largely symbolic and more than just participating in a ritual celebration. They consider that a gift represents in part their feelings towards the receiver.

Of course, this is not actually the case with everyone however. Which is just as well I guess, cause the only people I received Easter eggs from this year were my work and my parents.

Holidating

Well I recently spent a few days down in Melbourne with some girlfriends where I had the perfect opportunity to engage in a little holidating. You know, where you go away from home and seemingly take advantage of the fact that pretty much no one at your destination will know you. You know you will not be judged on past performances or associations but merely on what you present to those you meet. It’s a chance for you to be anything you want and perhaps to indulge in a fantasy or two. At least for a little while.

Having said that however, honesty compels me to point out that I didn’t actually participate in any holidating at all (and also that I don’t agree with dishonesty although flirting is another matter). If anything, one might be of the opinion that I was in fact stood up by one guy (who has sincerely apologised since) and that I crashed one of my girlfriends dates with another. Of course one might also consider that the situations resulted in nothing of the sort but either way, the extra long weekend was quite enjoyable.

My girlfriends and I ate out, shopped (duh!) and spent a night down in St Kilda. We started off in one bar on the main strip where I swear I could see over the top of every guy there (and I’m not that tall!) and then moved on to greener pastures. We befriended some guys in a line outside another club and we met some nice commercial pilots from Brisbane who it seemed were interested in doing a little ‘holidating’ of their own. We managed to last till about four a.m. by which time I desperately needed to sleep on my bed. I think everybody had a good night though.

Whenever you go away, you are removed from most of the stressful influences in your life. You also actively try to have fun as though its some sort of mandatory requirement whenever you are on a break. You feel more relaxed and possibly it is this that other people pick up on and find really attractive. People get a chance to see a more natural side of you perhaps that is not caught up in the day to day hustle of life and to see you also for what you want to be.

Of course, sometimes you meet people only fleetingly so they may just get an impression that you are cool, calm, collected and fun but still, sometimes that’s all it takes. And who knows, it may also be one of the best things that ever happen to you. I somehow doubt that any lasting attachments were actually made during my girl’s trip to Melbourne however, but who knows. I did manage to give out my phone number at the airport, a fact that still makes me smile today.

Welcome To The Playground

They say it’s a jungle out there but sometimes it would seem a little more apt to refer to it as a jungle gym. Some may feel that it is (or should be) quite straight forward to go out, meet someone, and (if you like them) start seeing them. Others may feel however that there are truly a series of tasks or obstacles to get both through and past before you can even think about seeing that particular someone for the second time. And it all starts with the approach.

For some, it is not the worry of being tongue-tied in conversation that is terrifying but that initial approach. Should you use a pick-up line? Try to start up a conversation? Just jump into a conversation? All methods can be successful but most require the confidence to carry them off. And then we come to the way you act. Should you come across as super confident and assertive or as being somewhat relaxed about the whole thing?

And I’m not offering any answers here cause I’ve never quite figured it out either. I do know though that in any pick-up, it is as much the delivery as the line and one always hopes not to get a put-down in return. I like your approach, now lets see your departure. There really is only a small window of opportunity to make that first impression and the aim is definitely to keep the window open as long as possible, or better yet, have someone open the door. But then the next challenge starts. Conversation.

This is not as simple as it sounds either. You want to entertain someone and not bore them stupid and you want to amuse them but not offend them. Not necessarily an easy task if you know next to nothing about them. During the course of your conversation you may also need to navigate through the drink buy which some have found upsets their rhythm and throws them off completely. Between deciding who’s paying (possibly) and going to the bar (probably) you can easily lose momentum. If you do manage this without a hitch though, there is still the number get.

The question here is do you offer yours, ask for theirs or suggest an exchange? Would you trust them to call you or would you rather ensure you had the option to call them? And are you confident that you could pass the first phone call challenge that results from it? Sometime during the first meeting, there may or may not be a first kiss challenge which is a whole different ball game but that first phone call, usually made completely sober can be make or break. And I think I’ve managed to fail this one before too.

So for anyone out there who feels as though they’ve ever had to jump through hoops, welcome to the playground.

Timing Is Everything

You know how when you were a kid, your Mum always used to nag you to do things and get a commitment as to when you would actually do it? And you know how because she made you commit to a deadline, you really wanted to push things and take longer to do it than you would have before? Well, you may think that this has absolutely nothing to do with sitting at the back of the bus (and you’d probably be right) but let me now start this from another angle.

When I first began work as a casual employee, I was protected under an award which told me the least I could expect from my employer in terms of wages, shifts and breaks etc. I was also aware of what I was required to provide in return, ie. notice of resignation should I choose to leave and the like. This was pretty much an industry standard but everyone knew where they stood and this was good. I’ve heard it suggested that we should have the same thing in (potential) relationships however, and I think the idea has some merit.

I mean to a certain extent, there already is somewhat of an industry standard on when you should call after the exchange of phone numbers. Whenever I ask people how long should you wait to call, most people say three days. No hesitation, just three days. But it does get a little more confusing when you start to ask are they calendar days or working days? Depending on who you speak to, it seems to depend on when the initial contact was made.

If for example, you chatted up some hot babe on a Thursday night, the third day would be the Sunday right? So should you ring them up Sunday night? Some say not. Monday is possible but Tuesday looks even better as it is not the very beginning of the next week. The trick here is apparently not to look desperate and Tuesday conveniently falls into the three working days rule as well. If on the other hand, you chatted up a real looker on Saturday, you definitely shouldn’t be looking at talking to them before Wednesday.

What do you do if you meet someone on a Tuesday or a Wednesday though? Do you wait until the next week to call them? Risk the ardour (if you had any) cooling? Do you call on the Friday or the Saturday, the two biggest date nights in the week or suck it up and call the next day hoping you could be out on one of those date nights? If we only had some sort of standard for these things, it would be so much easier. You don’t really want to be told when to call, you may not want to feel committed to calling but just like every kid worth his spit knows you never try to sit up the front of a school bus, it’d be nice if timing was not something you worried about, it was something you knew.

Love For Sale

We’ve all heard about imaginary friends I’m sure but did you know that you can also have imaginary girlfriends too – for around forty US dollars? Apparently now there is a website that advertises two month relationships with these ‘girlfriends’ for this one low fee. Fantastic I hear you say. Its probably a bargain at twice the price! So what does it actually entail? Well, an ‘imaginary’ girlfriend of course.

You can’t see her, touch her or hear her but for a period of two months you can exchange emails with her and pretend you’re merely having a long distance relationship. Obviously it’d be the sort of relationship where the girlfriend couldn’t get on the phone for some reason (like she was in another time zone or something) and where a real home address wouldn’t actually be provided (maybe because it was a clandestine sort of thing) but it could still be good. While it lasted.

For your money boys, you could look at a picture of a stunningly attractive woman, probably scantily clad, that will be sent to you and for two months, receive missives that warm your heart because they come from her. You could pass them round to your friends bragging that you have found the most wonderful girl in the world, or lock them up safe and only get them out to feel the warm fuzzies that come from receiving words of love and affection.

For my money though, I’d probably be a little bit sceptical. I’d also be hoping like hell that my new ‘girlfriend’ wasn’t some spotty, five foot tall high school drop out with drug and hygiene problems who was just trying to pick up the extra cash needed to support his X-rated entertainment addiction. I’m probably being pessimistic however and the so called girlfriends are probably real women of high calibre who are exactly as they represent themselves. Except that they don’t actually want to be your girlfriend. You do need to pay them for that.

But if this is the case then I do have a few questions for all those women out there. What made you think that becoming a glorified pen pal (also known as an emotional call girl) was the best idea you’d had all week? For whatever your cut of twenty dollars per month is!?! And do you actually bother to write individual emails or do you merely cut and paste (which is kind of cheating really)? Because I am curious.

And now that I think about it, I do also have questions about whether there are any special services or add ons in this sort of industry but maybe that shows that I have been thinking about this a little too much so I should just stop. The whole idea does make me smile though. Some people sure are weird.

Practically Perfect

Whenever someone asks you to describe your ideal mate, you tend to throw around a lot of adjectives to which you may or may not have given a lot of thought. Some women will stick with things like tall, dark and handsome (with which there is nothing wrong but this does only describe appearance) and others will start talking about someone smart, or funny, or caring, or honest. All of these descriptions however, are characteristics and don’t necessarily equate with core values.

And now I’m back on the ‘marriage plan’ book thing again because I found it really interesting. When this book asks you to create a partner profile, it does ask you to consider physical traits but it also asks you to consider what core values you hold and what ones you desire in your potential other half. When most people (I’m assuming right now) imagine relationships, they picture how they will actually be, and here I think, it’s the core values that define the behaviour of others.

Someone may be honest but that could be because they hold ‘honesty’ as a core value or other things which merely result in those actions associated with honesty. You may find honesty important, as most do, but it may be for a different reason than your best friend. And all of this got me to thinking about what I thought my core values would be. I thought about previous relationships and why they didn’t work out and also why I may never have gotten to the ‘relationship’ stage with others. I managed to put my finger on things I hadn’t thought of before and came up with a list.

On the top of that list for me was integrity. For myself, I see a person with integrity as someone who would honour their commitments, no matter how small, or seek to find a compromise. This would be a person who’d call when they said they would, turn up where they said they’d be and basically stand by what they believed in. Someone who wouldn’t sacrifice hopes or desires merely to go with the flow and someone who was strong. Also high up on my list of core values was loyalty which I see as someone who is faithful both physically and emotionally. Someone who wouldn’t cheat and who would never carelessly discuss personal issues outside of the relationship.

I believe there’s certain room for manoeuvre within these values. I’m not saying I’d like someone who could never compromise on anything they wanted. Or that I’d demand someone who would not ever talk about the relationship outside of it if that was their wish. I do however dislike being constantly let down by someone or worrying that I might become a locker room conversation. Which is pretty understandable I think. There are other things on the list as well but each one gives me a bit more of an idea on what I’m looking for. It is still somewhat open for revision though.

I'm Getting Married In The Morning...

Actually, I’m not getting married this week. I’m not even getting married next week. I will be married a year from today though. Maybe. Aggie says I can do it so it must be true, right? You’ve probably all heard of the ‘marriage pact’ whereby you and a friend of the opposite sex agree that if you are both still single at a certain time (and are not otherwise involved) you will marry each other. This week, I was reading all about the ‘marriage plan’ whereby you set a goal and go for it.

We all know that its socially acceptable to be part of a couple (no matter what age you are it appears). What seems less socially acceptable however is to advertise that you’d like to get married. And I’m not talking here about putting an ad in the paper but of having marriage as a goal when you are entering into potential relationships. There are those out there though who do hold the married state as one to which they aspire and that’s where this book comes in.

Aggie Jordan is a motivational speaker who gives courses on goal setting and achieving success. She also believes that these same principles can be applied to your private life as well as your public or business one. It is not ‘desperate’ for a woman to set a goal of marriage she states and believes that if they follow her advice, women can be married within a relatively short period of time (ie. a year), to their soul mate, in a love match. So if its that simple, I thought I’d see if it’d work for me. I mean its not as if I don’t want to get married to my soul mate whom I love desperately (whomever he may actually be).

So the first step to achieving success is to set the goal (irrespective of whether you’ve met someone or not). And as far as Aggie is concerned, any time limits over a year say that you’re not taking it seriously enough. Therefore I have given myself one year to march down the aisle. There’s obviously a little work to be done before then however since I’m not actually seeing anyone but that’s where the rest of the marriage plan comes in. I have to build a partner profile, consider what I will and won’t compromise on in a relationship, do some positive visualisation, make a plan and enlist support.

One of the crucial parts of the plan is to have support and/or assistance from others. To find at least one person who will encourage you to pursue your goal and may also be able to help you to meet people. Aggie does actually say to be careful about telling family members as they may try to dissuade you from setting such a goal (so I’m sure the internet was not what she had in mind here) but then again, I think my mum can probably rest easy. I’m still kinda lacking one of the major requirements of the plan, namely a true belief that it will actually happen. I can but try though.

Mixed Emotions

‘Ever worry that sms and email might be ruining your personal relationships?’. That’s how a short article I found on the SMH site a while ago began. No, I thought to myself at the time. I don’t. Today, I’m not so sure I’d give you the same answer. There are many pitfalls involved in relying heavily on these forms of communication and they are really no substitute for what should often be said face to face.

One of the biggest problems with written forms of communication is that you cannot gauge the reaction of the recipient. You may not know if you have committed a grievous error in their eyes and you may loose the chance to explain yourself or make it up. You will have also given them the means by which they can prove and remember what you have said or done which may make it harder still to resolve any issues that might have arisen regardless.

Another major problem inherent with written communication is that it is extremely difficult to emote. When speaking to someone face to face, what is actually said only counts for a small part of the message received by an interlocutor. Body language, tone of voice and social context also provide a great deal of information, which is assimilated along side the actual words used. When sending an email or sms however, these other factors are absent and as Murphy’s Law would suggest, when someone can take something the wrong way, then they probably will.

In an attempt to counteract this problem, we have seen the emergence of emoticons. We can insert a smiley face to indicate that we are happy, a wink to suggest we are joking or a frown to show we are sad. Via email, we also have a large variety of pictorial emoticons to choose from which represent a wider range of emotions such as embarrassment, frustration and anger. These are still somewhat limited however and although widely available, are not used by everyone. The mobile equivalents currently being developed are not widely used either.

Text or sms is perhaps the area where people should be the most careful. Due to the fact that there is a limited number of characters that may be included in each sms, people will often abbreviate both words and sentences to fit their message in. When using predictive text, they will also occasionally include words they have not meant which may also cause problems. Often occurring outside the context of a conversation it is easy for them to be misunderstood and they do require money to reply to.

But on the other hand, these forms of communication can be extremely convenient. So regardless of the fact that I have had bad experiences, I would not choose to cease using them. What I would be wary of and say to anyone else who texts or emails is that one should always think carefully when writing something where strong emotions are involved and that one should consider how something may be interpreted not merely how it is meant.

Kiss And Tell

Well Sydney voted and I missed out on a date. Its enough to drive any girl to chocolate cake which is rather handy cause that was part of my consolation prize. A while ago I participated in the Sydney Morning Herald’s 'Kiss and Tell' feature and was in effect competing for a date with their chosen bachelor. Sadly, I was not awarded this dubious honour (and I only say dubious because I didn’t know him from a bar of soap) but I thought I’d share my half of the experience with you anyway.

When doing a marketing push to get more possible candidates for the feature, SMH partnered with RSVP to send out emails asking for expressions of interest. Since I’ve tried almost everything else I thought why not. It could be a laugh and free stuff is always good. I was required to fill out a short questionnaire and send it in along with a photo of myself and my contact details. I was advised that participants would be chosen on the basis of how entertaining their responses were (and I don’t suppose it hurt if they thought you were attractive either) and that applicants would be notified if they were successful.

So I filled out the answers relating things such as what my worst date was, what my ideal date would be, what I found both attractive and unattractive and what I thought should be written on my tombstone. I believe I told them about the guy who explained why his beauty regime made him late and who continued to talk about how attractive he was throughout the evening. I told them about my fantasy date for the week where we would start out with something fun and energetic and finish up with a really nice relaxing meal. And I believe I made a rather flippant suggestion about what could be written on my tombstone.

Anyway, I didn’t hear back for a while and assumed they weren’t interested but then I got a call one Friday afternoon to ask if I’d be prepared to have my picture taken by their photographer and appear in next Wednesday’s paper. I obviously said yes. Since I was a bit surprised and vague on the phone however, I wasn’t actually sure till the paper came out whether I was a candidate one had to vote for or the chosen singleton. As it turned out, to win the date I required votes so my workplace was all abuzz Wednesday morning.

It appears that everyone at my company knows who I am now. All 190 odd of them. We work in a very open plan office and there were a couple of papers circulating around and many emails. I also sent emails out to friends and old work colleagues but unfortunately I came in a reasonably close second to the girl who obviously has a bigger workplace than me (I was told she did a massive campaign through her work which garnered her around 300 votes). The third contender apparently wasn’t much competition at all.

And that was my Kiss and Tell experience really. The 'winner' I think wanted it more than I did and I wasn’t that sad I missed out. Everyone told me that they didn’t like the look of the guy anyway. I read up on them later though and apparently they had a nice night but nothing special. So now I guess I’ll go back to my ordinary quiet existence and wait till the next opportunity comes up. Who knows, maybe it’ll be sooner rather than later.