The Ladder Theory

I have seen a number of theories that interpret the interactions which occur between men and women. There appear to be many ways to explain the nature of attraction and the, for want of a better phrase, laws of the marketplace. It also seems popular to take pot shots at both sexes along the way and one of the most entertaining reads that has a go at this would have to be the ‘Ladder Theory’. I’ve got to say that I feel this theory takes a few more shots at women than men but its still a laugh.

The Ladder Theory is a (supposedly ‘scientific’) method for deconstructing female behaviour and identifying the purported rationale behind it. At its most basic, it describes the way in which women will place men on two separate ‘ladders’ as opposed to men’s single one for us. It outlines the differing ways in which males and females will decide at what level to place their acquaintances and how the various positions will affect the relationships between those involved.

Anyone who has watched When Harry Met Sally will be familiar with the phrase that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. The Ladder Theory expands on this concept to state that a man will place every female he knows on a ladder. Depending on how much he wants to sleep with her however, will determine her position on this ladder, especially in relation to others. Women on the other hand, have two ladders apparently, one for people that they would (or would like to) sleep with and one for friends.

The theory also comes complete with statistics on factors, which ultimately help establish one’s place on a ladder (in other words, your relative shagability). For men, this rating is made up of 60% looks, 30% estimated chance she’ll pull out and 10% other. For women, its 50% money/power, 40% attraction (further broken down into 50% physical attraction, 20% competition, 20% novelty and 10% other) and then 10% things women say they care about but don’t. This last 10% is said to include things like intelligence, sensitivity and stability and was the author’s way of giving women the benefit of the doubt.

There are actually variables in the ladder such as religiosity, drunkenness, loyalty and desperation which the website touches on, as well as demystifying the money/power paradigm found in the women’s rating system. Unfortunately I just can’t do justice to the theory in this short entry. I will have to save the ladder disparity and manifestations for another post but in the mean time, if you get a chance, do check out http://www.laddertheory.com/ because its quite funny.

What Next

Well I must say that things are pretty slow going at the moment. I can’t really think of anything I want to write at present and I have not as yet managed to find some appropriate inspiration. As per normal, life goes on around me and I see friends trying to navigate their way through it all. When is a relationship a ‘relationship’, can I continue to flirt if they’re ‘not interested’, should I ask them to come over or is that too forward right now? But whereas they can be major concerns if they are yours (I have been there myself), I’m not quite sure what more I can say today. Nothing seems worth repeating. When I look back over the posts I’ve written, it appears I have exhausted my stories and talked about everything else besides but then again...I guess I never did mention my proposals.

I’m rather embarrassed to say that I can’t actually remember the name of the first guy who proposed to me. I also don’t remember much of the proposal either. As I recall there wasn’t really a lead up to it or anything, it was just kind of casually thrown into the conversation. We were sitting alone outside in a park and I do remember just being with him seemed somehow daring at the time as I hadn’t known him for very long. I quite liked him I think but I definitely had not been thinking along those lines. He obviously felt a real connection though and decided to ask. I’m pretty sure his name was Christopher and that he was a year older than me. That amounted to a big difference for a serious ten-year-old however, and I felt I had to politely decline his offer.

My next proposal came from a guy named Tom. He was from the Isle of Wight and was working for the British army in Hannover. I believe the proposal was largely alcohol induced as I had known him for even less time than Christopher but it was apparently just as, if not more so, sincere. I did actually accept this proposal at first as well, technically. Also being somewhat buoyed up by cheap alcohol, having someone think I was fantastic enough to propose to on the spot was kind of flattering. He made me a ring out of a lolly pop stick and fervently held my hand as he asked if I’d marry him so my answer was yeah, sure, why not. This was gratefully accepted by Tom but my revised decision upon realising he believed himself a bit more serious than I thought myself, did not go down so well. He actually sulked in a corner and refused to talk to me for about forty minutes before he came around.

And there you have it. Unfortunately I have yet to receive a proposal from someone I would actually consider accepting but hopefully I do not have to wait another fifteen or so years before there is someone who fits that bill. And who knows, maybe it’ll be me doing the proposing. Traditionally in a leap year it is the woman who is supposed to propose to the man and between my parents, it was my mother who asked. Cool huh?

Guys You Don't Want To Date

Well it seems that every man and his dog is out there with advice on whom one should date and whom one should most emphatically not date. Some people believe you should go out looking for some characteristics and others feel there are just some you should stay away from. The following types I pinched from a list on who to avoid as they were at the very least, mildly amusing.

The first on the list was the Mamma’s Boy. You know, the sort of guy who won’t purchase anything new for his house or his person without running it by his mum first. The guy who constantly rings his mother up for advice and who continues to enjoy home-cooked meals throughout the week despite having moved out of home years ago (that is assuming he has actually left). Unfortunately, this is also the man who will forever take his mother’s side and compare the two of you but if you find yourself stuck in a relationship with one of these guys, never fear. Just tell him you don’t like his mother.

Then there was the Womaniser who we have all heard about I’m sure. He will seem pretty perfect on the outside, being well groomed, charming, attentive etc. The problem with this guy is he’s like this to all women and he enjoys it. To spend any length of time around the Womaniser, you will probably find yourself competing with phone calls and sms messages but if the excuses get a little hard to swallow or you’re just not sure how to sever the connection, I hear telling him you used to be a man works wonders.

Another one on the miss list was the Body Builder. The guy who has a home gym, a work gym and a gym membership he regularly uses. The kind of guy who has photos of himself over every available surface and every gadget associated with home entertainment in his lounge room. A vain sort of man who often spends more time in the bathroom than his partner (when he’s not actually at the gym of course), he is really into collecting trophies, including those he can hang off his arm. The easiest way to give this guy the flick is to ask him to give up the gym for you.

Then we came to the Workaholic. This is the man who is going places but may not necessarily be taking you with him. Similar to the Womaniser, the Workaholic is most likely good looking, shows taste and likes the fine things in life but obviously missed the memo about the benefits of a fulfilling relationship. His work always comes first and any woman around may find herself being used as an appropriate prop at dinner parties. If that’s you and you’re sick of it all, tell him you’re taking a year off to travel and ask him to come.

Now as far as I can tell, all of that is really of not much use at all. They’re all stereotypes that encourage you to pigeonhole others (and I must say here that one of my best friends is dating a body builder who is really quite lovely) but there you go. I don’t think I can actually envisage myself saying any of those things to get rid of someone either but I guess they say there is a first time for everything.

The End Of The Affair

If I were a melodramatic sort of person, I might question why the men in my life seem to leave me. Why ‘relationships’ that started out with mutual communication and consideration somehow developed in directions neither of us intended. When at least one of us eventually gained the impression that we may as well have been extracting teeth from the other for where we ended up was hardly looked forward to or comfortable. Why it doesn’t seem to matter that the words change when the action remains the same.

Its not you, its me is the prelude to walking out the door that explains as little as the feelings it actually ends up saving. It’s not just you, I don’t want to talk to anyone, is perhaps marginally more honest but definitely no more desirable. And to he who shall remain nameless, that hurt thankyou very much. I’m so crazy busy at the moment but I’ll get in touch when things are a little less hectic is merely another way of saying don’t call us, we’ll call you and I’ll be moving out next week pretty much presents you with a fait accompli now doesn’t it?

If I were a melodramatic sort of person, I might bemoan the fact that I am once again feeling single in every sense of the word when I come home to an empty flat at night. I might wonder if I will become that strange breed of woman - the crazy spinster - who grows old alone and breeds cats. I can ask will I eventually be pitied like the weak animal in the herd who cannot capture any prey, for in life, it does seem to be the getting of a man that is important rather than the quality (or longevity) of what you end up with.

Of course, not being an entirely melodramatic sort of person, I’d have to say my life is pretty good at the moment. Being single affords me the freedom to do what I want, when I want and being currently without a flatmate (male or female), I can walk to my bathroom naked if I wish without the fear of either being busted or freaking someone else out. Had I no social life outside my working day or my residence at night, things could get a little boring and lonely I’m sure but I have my classes, my group and my friends. I also have my family and my health so having said all that, I definitely have my wealth.

So once again, I’m in a period of transition. And whenever one thing changes, I start thinking about the rest. Is now a time for a new direction, a stopgap measure or merely a replacement for whatever is currently missing? That actually being a flatmate at the moment, I’m still deciding. I think I’d like to stay where I am because I’m kind of liking it at the moment but you know what, it might be nice to have a girl move in for once.

Its No Big Deal

You know how dogs can smell fear and how some horses can be rather skittish when being ridden by inexperienced riders? You know how people say the best thing to do in these situations is to just stay calm and relax? Well that’s actually pretty good advice for dating too. I think too many people get overly worked up and nervous when communicating with someone they really like and don’t realise what effect this can actually have on the other person.

A large proportion of what you communicate to someone else is not done through your words alone. Body language certainly makes up a big part when you talk face to face with someone and when speaking over the phone, it is pitch, pace and clarity that will count for a lot. The thing is though, that if you are not careful, they will count against you. Perhaps not in an obvious way but this does bear thinking about.

Whenever you are anxious or nervous about something, like asking someone on a date for example, you send out the message that you think of it as a really ‘big deal’. More often than not, you also end up passing this idea along to the other person so they begin to think and feel the same way. Instead of presenting the idea of a date as a fun and or comfortable way to spend time with someone, you let them know that it is important, that there is some level of expectation attached and that you are not entirely comfortable.

Now maybe asking someone on a date is a very big deal for you. There may be someone you have liked for a long time or someone that you would love the chance to get to know better but no one likes to be put under pressure. Dating is confusing enough when you’re thinking about what you want let alone feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness. In addition to this, asking someone out should not be like asking for a favour. It is not often an advantage to create the impression that the object of your desire would be granting a great boon by going out with you.

When you are confident or at least comfortable with yourself, you are often more relaxed in your conversations with others. When you are self-conscious and not at all confident however, it is easy to convey the impression that you think someone is better than you or worth more. And they’re not. Now that might sound crazy or unfair but after having actually seen it and people’s reactions to it, I can say that making a big deal out of something can sometimes add a whole lot of unnecessary stress. So the next time you want to ask someone out or move a relationship to the next level, don’t put on the pressure. Remember that things have a way of working out for the best and so in the mean time - its no big deal.

Challenge Of Attraction

Ok. So heres the thing. I have read a lot of dating tips and advice columns for research and, well, probably for the tips and advice as well. I have read articles on body language, chapters on picking people up, guides on flirting in conversation and sites on all of the above. I have seen a lot of very average stuff out there that is largely common sense and / or simply a regurgitation of everything else on the market. I have also seen some things that have intrigued me. A post entitled ‘Using Challenges To Make Women Qualify’ was one of these.

According to the author, there is definitely an art to picking up women. It does not necessarily have anything to do with how good-looking you are or with how much money you might have and everything to do with the tricks of the trade. Social connections, a drop-dead gorgeous bod and unlimited funds would certainly help most people but ATTRACTION apparently, is not about what a woman prefers in a man (whether she prefers these things or not). ATTRACTION is very much about what she wants or what she thinks she needs, and some of those things might surprise you.

And I’m not talking here about things like compassion or generosity or similar qualities women might expect from a long-term relationship. I’m not talking about what you look for in a soul-mate either but of what might turn your head and have you getting friendly with someone. How many times have you seen people hook up with someone you never would have expected? How many times have you wondered how one person was successful and another wasn’t? Well it seems that ATTRACTION has a lot to answer for.

Lets face it, if someone’s reason for maintaining a relationship is purely for social or financial gain and a better offer came along, you wouldn’t see them for dust. If on the other hand, their reasons for maintaining said relationship were emotional, they would still be around even if the so called ‘gain’ was less. So for those people who are not offering anything long-term or buying their way to a fulfilling evening and bragging that they can get you into an A-list party, how do they do it? The author of the post suggests that they know how to make women qualify themselves.

ATTRACTION, says the author, is about emotionally compelling a woman to chase you. It is about making her seek your validation and prove herself worthy. The author feels that if you engage a woman in conversation but tell her you would only be interested under certain conditions, you invite her to qualify herself and demonstrate those conditions. An example was put forward where the author decided he would only date adventurous and spontaneous women. If the women claimed to be both of these, he would ask if they were in kissing school, what grade would their instructor give them. Apparently, women would often respond to this by saying ‘A+’ and when invited to prove they’d earned it, some accepted.

So apparently women are all just suckers for male approval. We don’t like to think that we may be found lacking in some respect and if we feel that our worth is threatened in the eyes of another, we will seek to rectify it. We will apparently feel tension while we are actively seeking acceptance and in order to bring closure or release, will need to qualify ourselves to that person. It was also stressed that an important part of the challenge/qualify technique was the belief that the desired outcome would be achieved but given that, this technique is supposedly the secret to success. I can’t say I’m particularly flattered by the way the whole thing was written but I will say that I think this technique works just as well the other way around.

Dating Survival Guide

Well I just thought I would share with you all the fact that I have recently stumbled across a cool magazine. To be honest, it was my sister who actually found it but given that she occasionally reads this site, she felt it might also be of interest to me which it was. Its called the Dating Survival Guide and it has lots of articles about dating trends and issues, some of which I have touched on in the past, others which I’ve yet to explore. Like Dinner For Six. I have been meaning to do it for months and now I really want to get around to it!

There were other things that especially caught my interest as well. One of them was the article on being hypnotized into believing you are a man magnet. The account by the author who road-tested it sounded pretty cool. I’m not sure that its something I would actually feel the need to do but it really does go to show what positive thinking and assertiveness can achieve. It also made me think that maybe I should try to be more laid back when I’m out. I believe I could possibly achieve a similar state with the right group of friends and a little Dutch courage so maybe I’ll give it a go. Watch out world.

What I’d also like to give a go is the ‘10 dates you must have’. I’m pretty sure that so far I’ve covered the Blind Date (which was interesting), the Try-Something-New-Date (which was highly amusing), the Charity Work Date (which was in turn nice and awkward) and the Spur-Of-The-Moment-Date (which ended up in the best make-out session I’ve ever had) but there are still six to go. Some time in my dating future I need to experience the Clandestine Date, the Fly-Me-To-Paris Date, the Woman-On-Top Date, the Power Date, the Paparazzi Date and the Dinner-As-Formality Date. I may not actually achieve all those but trying certainly sounds like fun.

So yeah, I thought the magazine was really good and that its well worth getting a hold of for those of you who can. Especially as I believe its new and the current issue is the first one out. Hopefully, if its successful enough, they will keep producing more issues because I’d really like to see where they go from here. Actually, its the kind of thing I wish I could be involved in myself cause I’ve always secretly wanted to be Lynda Day out of Press Gang but all fantasies aside and in case I don’t see it again, you should check it out if you’re in Australia.

Reasons To Stay Single

Some people would have you believe that being single is a barrel of laughs. That it really is an ideal state to be in and that there are plenty of reasons to remain that way. Now I will acknowledge that being single definitely does have its perks. You can flirt as much as you want without feeling guilty, you can see whom you want when you want and there are a lot of things in your life you probably won’t have to even consider compromising but are these just the tip of the iceberg?

I recently stumbled across a list called 10 Reasons To Stay Single. There were no numbers anywhere on the list and about 14, for want of a better word, paragraphs so I’m not quite sure exactly what the author thought each of the 10 reasons were. After reading it through twice, I’m not sure she did either. Several of the sentences/paragraphs seemed to be merely variations on a theme but given that, the author does make some very good points.

One of the things I had not previously given much thought to was body image within a relationship. Sure I am aware that many women feel that their ability to catch and/or keep a guy is linked very strongly to their personal appearance but the author suggests that when the only one you have to please is yourself, you become much less of a slave to your looks. She also suggests that some women are more image conscious within a relationship which I guess, aside from being potentially stressful or unhealthy, would also be quite time consuming if personal grooming becomes a necessity rather than a priority.

Another point that the author makes is that your social life is often more diverse when you’re single. People tend to mingle in more circles and meet more different types of people when they are not attached to someone. Of course, this is not always the case and could quite possibly also depend on what you or your partner do for a living. By and large however, couples tend to associate more readily with other couples in their social circle and statistically tend to go out and do it less often than singles do.

So I guess for lots of reasons, being single is not all that bad. Its easier to be spontaneous, carefree, indulgent and decisive. You are more likely to be able to do what you want, when you want and with whom you want. But do these reasons outweigh the physical intimacy and comfort you receive from someone who knows where you come from, who you are and where you’re going? For my money not really but I’ll definitely try to enjoy what I’ve got while I have it.

Pash And Hell

If you’d happened to read the Radar section of the Sydney Morning Herald today, you would have learned that their blind-date game, Kiss and Tell (also affectionately referred to as Pash and Hell apparently) has just turned one. Emma-Kate Dobbin, the resident cupid, reviewed her year, giving us a little of the behind-the-scenes info you don’t always get to hear about in the articles themselves. She recalls the paramours who got cold feet at the last minute, the ones that ended up with carnal knowledge of their date’s best friend and the ones who were not really single at all. She also paints an entertaining picture of the trials involved in playing matchmaker.

Actually, she paints such an entertaining picture overall that several people have left comments on the online edition. People who have followed the feature for a while and been entertained by the antics of others have congratulated her on a job well done. There are those who have urged her to keep up the good work and then there are those who have put an extra two cents in. Like Mr. Smug Married. This was the guy who thought that people who have participated in Kiss and Tell should realise that ‘they’re all still single because they have unrealistic expectations about what their partner should be’. I may have had a slight problem with this.

Normally, a comment like this would not have bothered me at all. I would have read it and smiled along with everyone else and thought that yes, they might just have expectations that are rather unrealistic. Beggars can’t always be choosers and maybe all those singletons should wake up and take a reality pill or something. Normally however, I would not be referring to myself. And in this instance I feel I would be referring to myself as my photo was part of the graphic montage thingy that supports the story.

Along with almost one hundred other hopefuls, my photo appears on the front of the Radar section, once again advertising my singleness to the nation, not that its done me any good so far. As some of you may recall, I obviously had less friends than one of the other three contenders for a surprise date when I participated earlier this year and I came in second, missing out on the date and receiving a consolation prize of beauty products for my efforts. I can’t say I was heartbroken at not winning the date but neither was I glad I didn’t get that chance to meet someone new.

If nothing else, I think Kiss and Tell provides the opportunity for the successful candidates to get to know someone they would not normally have met. It’s a bit of light fun that some people perhaps take too seriously. The chance of actually meeting The One is really quite small but you may just meet The One’s good friend, or a new mate or at least someone who provides you with a new story to tell. And theres nothing wrong with having high expectations or personal preferences, its what makes us all try to be the best people we can be.

Orgasm Day

Mark it in your diaries ladies and gentlemen. May 9th is officially Orgasm Day! Well, it is if you are a citizen of Esperantina, a remote town of around 38,000 people, roughly 2,100 kilometres north of Rio de Janeiro in Brazil. The town’s new mayor, Felipe Santolia, has just signed a bill creating the municipal holiday. Apparently the region has been unofficially celebrating the day for years but from now on they will get the day off to do it. Pun not entirely unintended.

The former mayor it seems, was unfortunately a bit of a party pooper and vetoed a bill to make Orgasm Day an official holiday but the new mayor who took office earlier this year is, in his own words, 32, single and has an open mind. He also claims that he feels the theme is very much of the moment. According to mayor Santolia, the day is about celebrating the orgasm in all its senses and he obviously intends to see the day made into a main event.

Mr Santolia who endorsed the holiday, states that it is designed to promote the improvement of relationships between married couples. From what he’s seen, ‘apparently women have more trouble achieving orgasm than men, especially in marriage’. I’m not quite sure exactly how he claims to know this (or have ‘seen’ it), but speaking as a woman, it’s a bit of a disappointing statistic if its true. Despite all the jokes about jelly bean jars, I’m sure marriage was not designed to ruin your sex life or provide you with a disappointing one.

Esperantinans are obviously of the same opinion though and so on the cards for this day there are a series of panel discussions by sexologists from across Brazil on such important topics as premature ejaculation. There is also a presentation of Eve Ensler’s play, The Vagina Monologues and I assume numerous other events. Despite the fact that celebrating Orgasm Day initially created a scandal in this fervently religious region, the residents have, we are told, warmed to the idea. And who wouldn’t?

It seems that the Esperantinans are a community that take the health of their population seriously. There are apparently scientific studies that show that when a woman is unloved and her husband can’t bring her to orgasm, it affects all the aspects of her life. It's said to affect her both at home and at work, impacting on her relationships with her friends and family and also with the city in general. So in the interest of education, harmony and a good time had by all, there is now (officially) Orgasm Day to look forward to each year. And bring it on I say, although I really can’t see Clover Moore, or better yet, John Howard going for anything like this, can you?

By The Numbers

Being in the dating game can seem like you’re playing things by the numbers sometimes. Just like sports, there are all sorts of stats that may become applicable when judging overall success or failure. How many relationships have you had? How many people of the opposite sex have you kissed - and perhaps for a few of you, how many members of the same sex have you kissed? How many people have you participated in more than kissing with? How many of those were one-offs that were never repeated? Does it count twice if you never meant to do it again after the first time around?

All relevant questions but for a few, not easily answered. For some the numbers are too numerous to recall or so insignificant they were simply forgotten and for others there may have been reasons due to which there was an inability to remember anything in the first place. There are also those for whom there are other grey areas. Times when the question is asked - does it really count? I know some people who won’t include an experience because it didn’t last for very long, it didn’t mean anything or wasn’t ‘worth’ being counted for some reason. More often than not when people are considering their ‘hook-ups’.

For today’s young single women there almost seems a push to play the field a bit before inevitably settling down. There is still a double standard that says we should not get out as much as men but it is far more acceptable and even expected that we will have at least a couple of relationships under our belt before The One. We are part of the hook-up culture that says that we can now go out and do exactly what we want. We don’t have to wait by the phone any more and we don’t have to sit on the sidelines. And these are a couple of the messages outlined in ‘The Hookup Handbook: A Single Girl’s Guide To Living It Up’ by Lavinthal and Rozler.

Just like the many other dating guides and self-help books out there, this one seems to be about empowering women. Encouraging them to be pro-active rather than just waiting for Mr Right to come along. Despite the racy overtones of the book’s title, The Hookup Handbook is not encouraging women to embrace sexual abandon however, but rather to explore the possibilities they are comfortable with. According to the authors, a hookup has less to do with what happens between people than with the surrounding circumstances. It is ‘anything from making out to doing the nasty’ but with generally ‘no commitment or plans for said commitment’.

So it seems there is plenty of reason to look for Mr Right Now as opposed to Mr Right. It also seems that there is a very broad definition of what constitutes a hook up. Given that, I’m not quite sure what I would be tracking at right this moment but perhaps the more important figures are the number of dumb things I think I’ve done and the amount of decisions or things things that I’ve regretted. And since the answers are one and none, I’m not doing too badly.

Mr Bingley's Friend

Why do we women fall for the men we do? Are we attracted by some natural instinct that someone is our perfect compliment? Do we identify with similar backgrounds or experiences when we believe we’ve found a mate? Or do we sometimes look for whatever everyone seems to think is ‘in’ and hope that everything else will follow by default? And what is it about the Mr. Darcy’s of the world that have so intrigued generations of women? I still don’t know the answer to most of these questions but the Darcy phenomenon is worth consideration.

Jane Austen’s Mr. Darcy has become one of the most well known literary characters in history. Similar to Shakespeare’s Petruchio from Taming Of The Shrew, he is the epitome of the tall, dark and handsome archetype. He is a dominant male who is both intelligent and proud, not to mention implacable, selfish and often overbearing. The negative aspects of his character don’t seem to register however as generations of women have all swooned over the tortured soul who’s hidden passions can apparently be awakened by the right woman.

That’s right, after the advent of feminism and higher education for women, many of us still believe that if only we could meet our own Mr Darcy, we would recognise it in a heartbeat and then live happily ever after. That desire for an equal partner who is sensitive, flexible and fun just flies out the window in favour of the strong, silent type with just a little too much hauteur. We forget the fact that Liz and Fitz didn’t even like each other when they first met and also that Jane Austen herself was never actually married and really could not comment on what happened after you ran off into the sunset with your hearts desire.

For the sake of a perhaps ill-conceived ideal, it seems we are prepared to ignore the fact that the object of our attentions may well be repressed or difficult. We obviously believe perseverance would be the key here and that we would eventually be rewarded but this is possibly not the smartest path. For starters, what message do we send out when we demand one thing and espouse another? And is it any wonder that some women find themselves married to men who in fact remain rigid, dominating and controlling? Maybe we should think about the message that gets sent out to our fellow sisters.

Just because a man is morally upright and devastatingly sexy does not mean that he’s perfect partner material. He may be a wonderful way to pass the time for a while but is he really someone you can see yourself with in 30 years time? I’m just as guilty as the next girl of sighing over Colin Firth, David Rintoul, Lawrence Olivier and Orlando Seale as well, but I should definitely remember to leave it there. Mr Darcy is a two-dimensional, fictitious character and my life is not a storybook. I’m still open for devastatingly sexy though.

Not Always Better The Devil You Know

Well I got accused the other day of being one of those women that are the reason some guys won’t ask a girl out. If that makes sense. It was suggested that I’d slapped a guy down unfairly and it was women like me who made it so difficult for guys in general to approach the opposite sex. I can actually see where this bearer of bad news (well for me it was kind of unflattering) was coming from but (rightly or wrongly) I maintain that I was never actually asked out, I never actually declined and it was more a case of no harm, no foul.

To elaborate a little on the case in point, I was chatted up by a guy at one of the ‘work drinks’ events that I recently attended. We flirted as we discussed the fact that we were both single, the possibility of a meal together and the opinion that lunch was possibly the best date meal as it provides a date that somehow holds less pressure but can easily be extended. And the flirting was fun. As opposed to leading him on however, I did express that I was not looking for a date and had no intention of ‘picking up’ that night. I was happy to flirt but that’s as far as I was going. I thought that was fair.

He in turn listened to this but chose to see it more as a challenge I guess and set out to charm. And he did make me smile. Unfortunately for him however, he was in fact also following on the heels of his less than sterling reputation that had preceded him. Granted the information was largely second hand but I do believe some of it was at least accurate which left me questioning in part, both his taste in women and some of his personal choices. As a result, I don’t believe I was rude but I was definitely not taking any nonsense or letting him get anywhere. And I do think that he recognised this.

As the conversation progressed I also remember stating that I was sick of guys who couldn’t seem to get past the physical, both literally and figuratively. Guys with whom the conversation kept coming back to my looks as though they could flatter me into anything they wanted and those who had broken off contact when I did not immediately make all of myself available to them. At this point I was told he had now revised his decision to ask me out but I was more than welcome to ask him out. It was a cute gamble but in this case, one that didn’t pay off.

So in the end I didn’t really end up playing with the playboy. It was a ‘thanks but no thanks’, which I believe did not adversely affect him at all. I am sure he is happy to go on just as he has done before but I will say that should he have taken any offence, I truly meant no harm. I am aware of the effort it takes to put oneself out there and if nothing else I applaud that. It would be nice though, to be attracted to someone who was just as interested in getting into my head as into my bed.